01/03/2022

my life is literally falling apart, sometimes I just tell myself that I ll never make it, i wonder why is it when we grow old things start get harder. my mind is a mess, I can't think of
anything. I'm 20 years old female, but i feel like an old lady trapped in the body of young girl. the thing is I hate myself so fucking much, I'm not like other people I don't know what i want and everything seems pointless to me. now I'm thinking about killing myself, but Im too weak to do that, I have tons of things i need to do, i skipped a lot of classes in the last couple of days, now it's becoming a habit. i know i should get back on track but it's too much i don't even know from where to begin. i don't wanna disappoint my family and my two bestfriends but it's freaking depressing in here, i can't put myself together to go to class. i hate going to college everyday and meeting people. maybe i'm in the wrong major maybe i should do something else.

08/03/2022

I didn't eat anything all day and it's almost 4pm, maybe i should go buy something and then come back? the thing is, I don't wanna go outside sometimes you just don't wanna see the light. but first I wanna write something in here. 2 hours later, I'm back. I don't know what's going on in my brain, but it's safe to say that it's fucking my life. I think I'm falling, for how long am i gonna resist? try not to do it, i don't wanna stay alive anymore, it's tiring and boring, I miss mom and my family so much, I miss my dog, I fucking miss my dog and deep down each time i think about her, and how irresponsible i was, I didn't teach her how to be a dog, that's why she became aggressive, that's why they rehomed her, it's all my fault, I blame myself for everything all the time because it is my fault. just don't say don't blame yourself, why wouldn't I, I am the reason for everything my dog feels she's probably sad. I'm a bad person. yesterday something happened, I walked out of class and this guy just popped out of nowhere, i guess he was waiting for me or something. idk so he said hello and i was like "hello back, do we know each other?", he said that he had seen me last week on thursday and then he kept on looking for me, but i disappeared; i told him that it's just that i skip some classes that's probably why. we talked a lil more and then he said something like "I just saw you and i felt like you have something different about you that's why" honestly i think that's fucking ridiculous like wdym bro, you barely know me, ofc i didn't want to be mean, i just laughed. then he would do this thing, like stares at me for more than 10s it was weird as heck. i told him that i don't mind becoming friends, and we exchanged socials. idk i mean i suggested it cuz he seemed like he wanted to be friends. he also said it's the first time i walk to someone and introduce myself, and i think that's sweet of him. he was shaking as heck, like he way terribly shaking. and he was wearing these rings and all, all black, his clothes i mean. to tell you the truth i didn't want this to happen in the first place, but weird stuff keeps happening to me. out of nofuckingwhere. okay in the past like two days ago i wanted to have a friend that i can talk to between classes, but i dont think that's the case yesterday, after that conversation i went home and couldn't eat anything, just drank a lil bit of orange juice and when it was the time to go back to uni, i packed my books and left. it was the first time i walk trying no to look anywhere, just down so i don't see him because i guess he ll always be there right in front of you and that's what happened, i tried to avoid him. but he just came, and each time we meet we would shake hands, oh gosh i hate that. after 2 hours i walked out of the classroom, and i wanted some sunlight, i like to sit in the sun from time to time, and yesterday you have no idea how much i wanted the sun to touch my skin; man vitamin D super important. but ofc i couldnt go to the place where i usually sit to get some vitaminD because i know for sure that he would come and talk to me. so i avoided him and went like somewhere else, so i felt like theres something appoaching me, and guess what it was him. surprise. we talked he was like tell me about yourself and all. and he would do this thing again like stares at me for more than 10s like duuude stop doing that, ofc i didn't tell him that and then he would say, oh you're cute and i would fucking blush, because what the hell you know. we talked a little more and then he told me about stuff, well he didn't tell me but he mentions it, and i asked him about it so he then said something like he has been diagnosed with adhd and early schizophrenia honestly i was like nice, but then i just figured that i said nice, lol i meant what the hell. i don't know what is it about me but only those who have mental illnesses and such approache me, fucking weird. he said that when he saw me on thursday, and kept looking for me he thought maybe it's his schizophrenia or something, god i wish i wasn't real. but yeah turns out im a real human being who has a lot of stuff going on and their life is on the verge of falling apart. he kept shaking all the time. i don't know, i don't think he's creepy it's just that i don't want friend, like dude, i can kill myself anytime, you know. i'm a weirdo. i really am a weirdo. it has been so long ever since someone looked me in the eyes in such a way. it's not a normal gaze, it's like somehow, someone can see you, the real you, and would be amazed, so much, that it feels surreal. i dont even look at myself that way. it's nice, but unreal, not true. if you would just know me. you wouldn't look at me like that. or maybe he knows me enough that he looked at me like that, what if, what if it's true, that that is the real me. he was shaking holy crap. shaking as heck

09/03/2022

i like to disappoint people, because they have this tendency to create a picture of you in their minds, one that is based on who they think you are a pictre that doesn't exist. now i just realized that, feelings, fucking ... ,stop just stop feeling shit, you see someone and you think that they are who you think they are but they are not, everyone is flawed everyone has something disgusting about them, everyone is stupid, and to convinve yourself that you can accept that person's flaws is a big lie, then you ll find yourself trapped and you can't get out it.I used to believe that as well, yesterday i believed that maybe if you find someone who understands and is actually a decent person then maybe you two can be something, but i know now that i was lying to myself, thinking that i would accept that person's flaws. I won't, an old friend once said something like "We naturally, want to love beings who are near perfect, out of the box, we don't want to receive broken ones and bother having to help fix them, it's a chore, too much of a responsibility that we don't even know we're up to." isn't that it, right? to think that you can love and help fix someone is a silly idea. why don't we just stop for a second. just stop lying to ourselves and others. you know what, sometimes, i like small talk, i like when people don't look at you for 10s, now i appreciate it, when people don't look at me, i don't want people to like me, i don't want people to stay with me, i don't want them to think that I'm that different person, out of the box, because really I am not, I'm very normal, very fucking normal. just don't fucking like me what the heck. god i wish i was a boi, females are overrated, they really are. sometimes i forget that people can actually come here, and maybe read these, out of boredom, i know you d think what is this nonsense, go fix your english. but yeah fuck you. i don't care what you think. yeah I'm a piece of shit you d think? no you are. damn i'm toxic right, yeah fuck you. aggressive huh? idk man. also I'm listening to cover made by this girl, heavens knows I'm miserable now by the smiths. i guess I'm crazy, everything i think about is nonsense.. sometimes i just be disappointed of my own self. something cute happened today, we have this small coffee shop right next to where I live, I sometimes go there to buy coffee, and so we ve got this middle aged man, the caretaker of the whole building, entered and i was there, so after my order was ready he stopped me from paying and payed for me. and i think that's generous of him. i usually don't mind when people buy stuff for me. i don't ask for it, but when they do i won't say no, because why not. it's okay. they proposed it's not like you owe them anything. sometimes humans can be really nice, the other time as well i ve got this cyber friend on discord, he gifted me nitro and i think that's generous as well. and honestly i wanted that nitro so bad because i wanna use cool emojis everywhere. and cool profile pic. idk call me silly idc. .

date unknown

I'm just afraid that I would be betrayed, I'm just afraid that they would make fun of me. i just know, they do it all the time, I'm a messy weirdo. they see my vulnerabilities and then make fun of them, they say yeah trust me. and then when you do trust them but they will not fail to break the trust you gave them. you made them see who you are, they will do it and they will make fun of you, of your feelings, they would do that. I hate them. I hate the outside world so much, sometimes, I even hate the wired, because it contains stuff from the outside world, some are even worse in here. I just hate everyone, because they keep making fun of me. when all I did is being honest with them all the time, I thought I would make friends, have fun and be cool. but I guess I'm just not welcomed, maybe the world isn't for me, maybe I should do it. just maybe I should end it all. because nothing makes sense. because I keep getting hurt, I care and I just end up getting hurt, when all I did is trying to belong by being myself. they say that the more you get hurt the more you become strong, but I ve been hurt a LOT and I don't seem to be getting stronger. the thing is FUCK YOU ALL. and FUCK EVERYTHING;

13/03/2022

days are passing by real quick. and here i am, trapped. i got the results of the whole semester. and guess what i failed it. I love mom, honestly, she didn't blame me even though I had 0s and 1s she focused on the subjects that i didn't fail at. I am grateful to have her by my side all this time. she supported me throughout every damn decision i have made. and when i told her that im gonna apply for film school, she didn't slap me on the face. she didn't blame me. instead, she supported the idea. and also encouraged me even suggested that i should make some research here and there. god i don't wanna stay like this forever. it'ss not like i want happiness but i just want to learn more and be creative and authentic with myself. that is it

17/03/2022

just before my friend went home, we made a pinky promise that we will work on becoming better human beings, that we will not kill ourselves and each other :p. i suggested making the pinky promise because I should not give up fighting dark thoughts the product of this whole broken system, sometimes I surrender to them because they are so strong I just can't. but I just have to keep notes about everything, about life. that's what will remind me that life is worth living, doesn't matter what you do as long as it is making you a better person. we should not give up on life, we should survive and make the most out of every second of our youth. lots of stuff has happened this week, and tomorrow is Friday, days are passing by real quick. today I woke up at 7:20 I thought I would tell mom that I won't pass the reo exam, I was this close to going to bed, I was tired, but as soon as I washed my face the sleep has gone, and I took my art supplies and went to Tunis. the thing about Tunis and why I like it here is that every day is an enriching experience, the moment you get into the taxi you start feeling the world around you when looking through the window when walking toward the subway station and looking around the streets, a lot of people from different backgrounds, each one has their own story. i like walking alone in crowded spaces, i like to observe the world around me, i like to be in other people's shoes and feel what they feel, even though you can't really feel what they feel but you can provide something, to them, for them even a smile would be enough. I'm afraid i won't remember the details of what happened exactly this week, and im so tired to write. tomorrow will be the end of the week i ll make sure to come and tell you about all of it

19/03/2022

every night, since i passed the reorientation exam. i dream of getting accepted into film school. i think if i don't get accepted which is more likely the case, it's gonna be really bad. you know this time, it's not about what i have done, sometimes you really want something. i just wish i can get accepted so i can move from that goddamn place. also last night i joined voice chat with some internet friends, one of them sounded different, the way he talks and all, he seemed more confident than before. and i don't know. internally i didn't like this change, but i don't know as long as it makes him feel less sad. then its good for him

21/03/2022

there is comfort in being a pessimist, there's no hope, life has always been the same, and will be the same. there's comfort in not expecting, or expecting that things will only get worse . I'm sick of humans, sick of their lies, their greediness. everyone will change. everyone cares about money, status, no one is being authentic anymore. i remember 2 years ago. i was suicidal and i did it. it was the first time i actually stay in my bed waiting for my time to go elsewhere. in that time i stopped eating much, i stopped becoming all the bad things i used to be. i have been honest with myself and other. and especially myself, it was the darkest period in my life. yet the most real. i want to stop it, i want to end it again, pessimism is fine but you won't be able to live with it, you just can't. silly me, all these months, i thought things will change, there has always been hope. but there's nothing. illusions and only illusions. we are deluded. mom:"ur a failure, look at your fiends. god bless them". she is right, right? i am a failure, i do nothing, i'm useless.

23/03/2022

it's almost 1 am as i'm writing this, today i learned a new word. it's stagnation. that's exactly the word i've been looking for to describe my situation, i'm stagnating.

24/03/2022

one day I wanna write a book, and then publish it. it doesn't have to make an impact or change the world in a way. i just wanna invest in something, create a world that didn't exist before i don't know what it's gonna be about. maybe about pain, suffering to just exit, about people, about the world, about frogs, ants, or maybe friendship. i don't know. people expect you to have ambitions and goals, eager for accomplishing stuff, i just don't have that, i exist merely for the sake of existing, all i feel is emptiness and pain. i can't enjoy things or do things. will i ever be something? i asked a friend of mine this question, he said "you already are something". i am something, i don't like much. sometimes, you can't really beat it, the monster weighing on your chest. sometimes it's great to just get out of bed. what a goddam accomplishment, getting out of bed. currently listening to dagger by slowdive sitting in a coffee shop filled with phonies smoking cigarettes, god i hate cigarettes.

i'm a sad individual. a very sad one. sometimes i wonder, what the hell is wrong with people? honestly what the hell is wrong with us? why do we post pictures on instagram? why do we share our precious memories with the world? no one cares. why do we keep bragging about our accomplishments? adding filters, putting so much effort to appear in a certain way, i don't understand, is it just me, am i loosing it? we stopped being authentic, we stopped having real connection with each other. i don't like this world, i mean yes some people's lives change because of such media, but isn't it stupid? i can't survive i can't make it, oh god or whomever created this place and these ridiculous creatures, for fuck's sake do something. end it. we're all tired of this bullshit

27/03/2022

i have exams all along this week, and guess what, im not even slightly prepared. these days are the worst, i cant do anything, i can't revise anything, i can't even do stuff that i enjoy, vacation is over, which is not even a vacation, it's two weeks period to revise for exams, just stress, before i go, mom kept telling me, that i should just try, only two months left, i should just try. and why am i not trying? because i"m a piece of shit, or am i not? i'm really sorry for mom, she's a hardworking lady, and she is taking care of my stepfather and all, he is in his early stages of alzheimer. these past four years have been the worst years in my life.. especially this year. problem is everytime i try, i fail, and i keep doing that again, now im just tired of trying and failing, like if i say okay im gonna put my life together starting from this week, i plan what i should improve and put some goals; i just end up not doing anything, and what made it worse is that i have to go to uni, that place sucks, plus i don't wanna see that guy, we kind of talked together on discord, im so stupid i shouldn't've given him my discord in the first place, it's not like there's something wrong with him, he is a nice guy, but i hate it when people develop feelings for me, and im sure he does. i miss myself, 4 months ago i finished the catcher in the rye, and i liked it so much that you can probably notice J. D. Salinger writing style in my writing, approximately. i like reading books because there's always something to learn, something that pushes you to better understand the world, and yourself. im alone in my room now, left home at around 10 maybe, idk, long trip 3.5 hours to get here, where i live and study. it's a small quiet city, nevertheless i most of the time hate it. this is a picture i took after i woke up from my nap today.

28/03/2022

It's crazy how everything works, starting with time, it passes fast, just close your eyes for a second, oups you're 21 and then 24 and then 30. i have been in pain, lost, and the only way i see now to lift up my spirit from destruction is to stop conforming, i hated school my whole life, and i still do. i remember when i first graduated from high school, a decision of pursuing a college degree is a must, so i chose software engineering, i thought that that is my chance to prove myself in something, but as i got there first year i hate it, i stayed for two months and then took a gap year, i thought that it has to do with my mental health, mom supported me, and when i decided to go back, she also supported me, she believed in me, that i can do it, that i can succeed in this thing, but in my state now, i came to the final conclusion that i hate uni, not what im studying, i hate professors and their boring lectures, i hate to be surrounded by a bunch of brain dead creatures, wearing a mask trying to convince myself that maybe there's a light at the end of the tunnel, i hate this place so much, i hate group works, especially group works, i wanna be myself, there i can't be myself, i don't want to kill myself just because i didn't make it in this school, i wanna live, do things, learn learn fucking learn and create, im tired, so fucking tired, i don't care, maybe i ll regret this years from now, but for now, i know this is where my salvation lies, i need to stay alone, i need to focus on myself and my mental health, i can't be like this forever, i need to trust myself and believe in her, i don't deserve this, i ll fight these demons, i ll fight these demons. if you wanna know what im planning to do, well for now i ll focus on doing things everyday, build habits, like stretching, maybe meditating, fix my english and coding. i ll also read stuff from time to time, this is my only, i don't wanna kill myself. i must decide for myself.
i ve come to the conclusion that hope is an illusion

29/03/2022

it's almost 8am and i still haven't slept yet, spend the night chatting with people on discord. hoping to find someone that understands. first i joined this vc with two people there we talked about various topics, and after that i went to another server and joined, opened the cam and just talked to people not much tho, so there's this lady she's alife coach, not a professional one, she said.. to be continued im so tired.
it's just insane how many people want the best for me, starting from my family and bestfriends, even stranger, people that i barely know; they just know me, they know that i have some sort of sparcles inside of me that i always fail to see. so about the lady i met last night, she wants to help me, and i think she genuinely does, so we talked and all and then, i liked her she propsed to trade a skill, instead of paying her because abviously from where would i find the money. anyway. i ll help her learn how to create basic websites, and i ll do most of the work of the website she said if i wanted a commission, and i refused cuz i think, i don't need money plus im not that pro. plus she helped so i should return the favor. i want the best for me, as much as everyone who care about me want it. im not gonna say i ll do this and that, but i guess better to live without hope and accept the absurdity of life, better than hoping and then having every damn hope destroyed. i don't expect much of the future, i don't expect anything from the future. what matters is now. that i pull myself from the mess i have fallen into. the lady, her name is Aviva said that im so passionate, and she would like to help me because im cool to talk to. she also mentioned that she is happy to tell her husband about me.

31/03/2022

what else could i do besides lying down and rotting. some time in the past, when i wasn't used to be in a constant state of despair i would be do vibrant filled with energy to do great things but school has always been like poison that destabilizes me from flourishing like a pink butterfly. i hate it there, i just hate it, i don't wanna go and i'm not going, it's not because i don't wanna try or because i'm lazy, it's because i don't like it there, it's supper boring i just hate it. in the last couple of days i realized that i'm not blaming myself as usual also not hating her, i'm starting to feel a little bit confident about myself. i would describe me as sassy classy and a bit smart assy, isn't that accurate i'm a fucking classy sassy and a bit smart assy. it just starting to annoy me how much we value other people care about appreciate them more than we appreciate ourselves, i think if every person on earth starts to truly love who they are and embrace themselves the world could have been better in some way or another. this reminds me of a person i used to know in the past, a very dear one to my heart, a human being that will never be arased from my memory, this very same person taught me without actually teaching me what it means to be authentic, what it means to be real, what it means to care for another person, help them and be there for them. and that is because that very same person respects who they are, depends soley on themselves, embrace the imperfect version of their being. i knew him at a very vulnerable age, 17 years old, when i was lost, confused, not sure of what is exactly my place in the world and questioning whether there will ever be one. i a junior in high school, and he was in his senior year. he was always alone and i just have this ability to distinguish alone people from all the crowd, he lives in the same area as me and sometimes we would get in the same taxi with each other, but never talked until one day i came kinda early to school and he was sitting next to my bestfriend, but there was this space between him and her that was calling for me to stay there, so i saw him and stayed there next to my two favourite people in the whole world, i didn't know it back then, i sensed that this person has something different in them, something special and real. maybe one day i'll go into details of what happened exactly between us, but it wasn't anywhere near love, or maybe it was? what i would say that we were both unstable to be something at all, i never really had butterflies in my stomach because of him or any other romantic feelings, none of that bullshit, but instead i actually loved him, not in a romantical way, just as much as i loved my bestfriend, that is true love, it's when you care about someone so much you only want the best for them. he are some notes from him, shared with me before. and i want to keep them here, forever.
ust a side note the M that he refers to in these notes, it's the first letter of my real name ) notes from a very dear person to my heart
the thing is i want to keep this secret, our identities secret, i don't want anyone to know who i am. this is here a secret between me and you, you know nothing about me and i know nothing about you. i hope neocities stays active forever, i don't want to lose these notes, these special memories.