note 0: So for some reason, i decided that if i am going to spend the next year all by myself, at least i would document it ,sort of diary style documentation. Soooooooooooooooo, here is me sharing my mental breakdown, my middlife crisis for the next god knows how many notes and days, the things i am going to write about are various from what happened in the past, some interesting topics and current events in my life.
note 1: The memories are coming back and flowing in my head pretty heavily. I remembered the times we met and the times we had the change to talk together. I remembered how philosophically inclined her way of thinking and feeling is. I remembered the pureness with which she articulates and words her emotions. The awkwardness that's displayed by her everytime she tries to ask a question, and just how beautiful she looks and sounds when she does it. I remembered how brave she was.
note 2: Sorry for cutting off yesterday, i had to.......think i guess. Last night, i was listening to a lot of music to help regain some of how i used to feel about her, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand it worked. I was thinking profoundly about that one time she messaged me, expressing her longing...........for me, how she missed me. I don't know what happened at the time but i thought that i had to get out of here, that there was no good in anyone wanting me in their life, that i'm too scared and anxious about either the possibilities of theme leaving me or, the more likely outcome, me leaving them. But now, that i got the oppertunity to lay back and reflect on it, i realised how f*****g brave that is for her to even remotely think of sending such words. How empowering to her emotions that must have been, how strong-willed her core is, and how true her persona is. And i destoyed all of that, because i was scared. Because i was too frale and fragil, emotionally unstable to even match 1 per cent of her bravery and authenticity. Instead, i bailed out. She must have expected me not to. But i did. Casually without even thinking or doubting my choice.
note 3: Another thing i was thinking about upon looking up the past, was the mistake of deleting my account, and not been quick-witted enough too at least keep some of the DMs we have shared. I guess a loner like myself would have appreciated owning something that's reminiscing of the past, it's good to care about what once was. I also realized that. That a moment that accured long ago might have its weight later on in the near to far future. That emotions die out but a small reminder can stirr a sparke inside to rejuvenate your memories. Like a refresh button of some kind.
note 4: I'm getting a bit doubtful at the moment as to why i'm even writing these notes. Perhaps to make me feel less angry,sad, alone. Alone. Alone is a powerful word, it's an indicator to a fundamental component in a person that has been trastically modified. For the most part of my life, i was alone, NOT LONELY. And that is where the confliction accures. and the missunderstandings take shape. I was never lonely, lonely is what is defined as that feeling you get that is resulted in not having someone by your side for a very long time. I never felt like that, i was always persuaded and convinced that such feeling does not exist. That no matter what goes down in your life, not matter how resentful, sad, broken down, shaken and fearful you may get, you alway have yourself to rely on, it's yourself that you turn to and consult for help. Till this day, i am a great supporter of this reasoning, of this angle from which many like myself perceive human suffering. But now and for the most part of the last 4 months, i think i am getting closer to knowing what that feels. 4 months in college is all it took for me to discover this unknown.
note 5: When i went to sleep last night, i was thinking about what might trigger my exitement to talk about it in these notes today and then it hit me, i really wanted to talk about college life and how f*****g shitty it is.it's been a week since i opened up these notes, a week that marks the passing of 4 months and a half since college began. And ever since it did. it has been like s**t. All my life, i forced myself to put on this mask outdoors,But now, i have a chance to show who i really am. It's a new life in uni, no one knows the old me, finally, i don't get to smile and laught all the time. I get up at 6am, leave at 7, my dad pickes me up to the train station, i wait for the train, get on the train, wait for it to reach my station, get off, walk 10 more minutes to the uni, head to the class, sit down, wait for the class to start, talk to no one, smile to no one, say hi back to that one guy that wants to be friends with everyone, spend the next hour and a half listening and paying attention, 15 minute break between every class, and repeat at least 5 to 6 time every day. The people that study with me noticed that clearly and they chose to distance themselves and it made me happy.............just happy as you should i guess. By far, the most insufferable thing about the uni is the one hour break they give us between 12 and 1pm, i just sit down for an hour straight, having my energy drained over listening to music and staring to people talking and chatting about nonsensical surface-level superficial topics. I sit by myself and the weird thing is, I love it, i adore it, but when i think about it and how dark it is to like such things, it makes me confused as to what i like and don't like really.
note 6: This is probably a month later, Exams and s**t, couldn't really devote anytime into contributing to these notes other than fixing some typing errors. Everytime i think of M, one thing that resonates in my head is the one time she said she needed someone to touch, she seemed down that day and in her typical awkwardness she dropped that on me, i laughed as a response but what i truly wanted to do is to hug her, because i knew what she meant, everything. That is the thing about overthinkers like me. No, they are not most likely introverts, although studies show it is the case. The thing about overthinkers is the capacity of comprehension with as little words as possible. The second she said that, i knew i had to help. To be honest, i thought she was trolling or perhaps being a drama queen for attention. Why else would you disclose such words with someone who you knew a day or two ago, a stranger. But i guess that is the thing with overthinkers. They can feel the presence of others. I am speculating of course. Not that i know the truth or anything. It just arouses my imagination and makes me think what did she see in me to share what she shared with me of all people. We have spoken once via DMs before reaching that point, that is it. Strange. Very strange. But then again it make starts to make sense, she didn't get to know who i really am inside. I really thought her chances are high, i never found someone that is worthy of sharing something with them. I did share some stories about dad, mom, grandpa. But nothing prepared me to share 1 percent of the rest about me. But i looked at her and thought that she is different enough, she suffered enough, she's pure enough. I guess my inner self didn't. My inner self wants to close out, but at the same time it wants to help others. It is just confusing and torturous al the time. I want to be someone that everyone around me can rely on and the same me wants to keep myself to myself. What is worse is that i don't get to explain myself the way i want to. M got to hear some of it when i told her to stop talking to me. So what am i really? am i good or bad? do such things exist? and how are they defined? what is the role model for each one? and should anyone care?
note 7: It has been 3 days now, and i have to say that these notes are the best thing i have decided to do. I have noticed a pattern of me getting so excited and enthusiastic about a new topic to discuss with myself in these notes. Once i find one, i become enthrilled and impatient to return to this desk and start typing away. I guess coping mechanism do work a little. In this note, i wanted to talk about is love. I initially had no clue how i would tackle this subject in the manner that satisfies me. Love as a definition is too simplistic. Attraction, affection, warm attachment, personal devotion to another. And the list really is endless. I guess the typical question that is raised is the why. Why do we love? beyond nature, why do we love? The way i perceive love is this. Love to me means sacrifice. A sacrifice to your way of life for one purpose and one purpose only. The happiness of OTHERS. Sacrifice is another one of those big and packed words. would not liking people count as a sacrifice? would helping others get over their hardships by staying away from them count as a sacrifice? does a 'good' sacrifice require good acts and morals? when you sacrifice something for the sake of others, are you really doing that? when you sacrifice your time for exemple to spend with others, are you doing it for them? only them? is loving really a sacrifice? or perhaps a recipe for more pain? wheter it is intended or not? does closing yourself in and pushing everyone away count as a sacrifice? is it the most noble and selfless thing to do? now they don't have to worry about you, how you spent your day, what birthday gifts to buy, think about your family and how they are doing. They don't have to feel pain, shed tear when you do, they don't have to share your moment of agony and despare. They don't have to suffer because you are. When you close out you feel safety from others. You alse feel safety for them. Now you can fuck up as many times as possible and no one will have suffer for it. Rigth? They are safe now from you. right? makes sense if you think about. So why do we bother with love and friends to begin with. Are we really doing them a service by sticking around? are we really making them happier by not going away? are we benifiting them by staying?
note 8: today is the 7th of february, my twitter and youtube feed are drowning in Corona related articles and videos.It has been like this for the past 2 weeks or so. I looked it up to find some useful information, turns out it is just a flu-like decease. Its ability of self-transmission from human to human makes it exponentially more contagious however. Staying safe and distant from others is a person's last resort to battle it until science does it for us. Self quarantining is what they call it. Should be simple for an introvert like myself.
note 9: 2nd of march, first official corona case in the country, not very worried but still cautious about it. I do use the train everyday, so i have to.
note 10: 14th of march, uni is over and we have 2 weeks of rest, the govenment issued a statement that all educational enquiries are shut down and/or to be continued.
note 11: Things are going pretty wild out there but i wanted to stay on track and touch on things i like to talk about. Been listening to more music as i do all the time. Here's a small topic, Youtubers. I have been watching youtubers ever since i was 12, and it is such a breath-taking occupation to have, definetely and unusual one. The ability to accumulate a fanbase, and connect millions of peaple together throught your content is IMO FUCKING GENIUS. I like dark humor and i have to say there isn't a lot to like about humor on youtube during the past 2 years, everyone is scared about political correctness and hurting other people's feelings. But i still think there is hope, and there is no doubt in my mind that being a youtuber is a privilege these days.
note 12: these notes may grow in number quickly, i have 2 full weeks to talk endlessly about anything my heart desires. I am not gonna lie, it has been pretty hard lately to keep M out of my head, a portion of the reason why is i am kind of worried about her in the minx of this corona fiasco that is been unfolded everyday, and another portion is because i want to talk to her. It is ironic how she came for me because she missed me and now it seems like i am feeling the same. I miss everyone at this point really. But kinda don't at the same time. hhhhhhh, my mom is starting to freak out about COVID-19. Also the media is treating the word corona-virus as if it is the n word. Essentially censoring the word everywhere it is mentioned. Other than that, i feel safe, listening to music, youtube, alse some twitch streamers, coding as well to burn the time.
note 13: Day four of vacation, still can't keep her out of my head. I have been looking for her FB profile, was not lucky to find it. I mean i don't even know what i will do if i found it, that's what weird about this. It's like searching for something and then what? I can't just tell her to talk to me. I can't just casually insert my ass back to her life and pretend nothing happened. I don't have the right to do that, not after what i did. If anything is going to happen, it is going to be her that will start it. At this point, i'm just chilling, typing this, thinking about shit. Until my head starts playing games with me and convinces me to do something.
note 14: day 12 of vacation, couldn't really find something to speak on to my suprise, Corona has been spreading, streets are empty, i'm getting more and more worried about people i care about. M and a really close friend of mine that lives in another city with his mom. I am seriously thinking of contacting both of them. The easiest would be my friend. Despite the fact that the last time we exchanged words was 3 years ago, i have a feeling that he would be delighted to hear from me again, as i would be. I moved out of town and never talked since. And because of my cynical thinking, i didn't mind doing just that. He is special too, a little bit annoying, very sexual, and caring. More caring than he sounds at least. note 15: I decided to make some posts on FB. A desperate attempt on my side to get noticed by M. Hopefully she will respond.
note 16: Well, i did say my luck is improving. I found her account. But still i am waiting, she already had a post that goes back 5 days ago. I don't know what else to do but wait. I'm not even sure if she checks out my account every now and then. Who would blame her? it has been at least under 9 months now. Every hour that goes by without something popping up makes more anxious. It's not that i am desprate to talk to her, i'm worried that she would take too long that i would forget the feelings i want to emit to her. She would take too long that these meanings and emotions would die out inside me. As you can tell, i am not very good at storing emotions for an extended period of time. I guess these notes would help to regain some of them if that happened. Also, i don't want to distract her from her exams so i'm not sure if this is the best thing to do currently. I still mean it when i said i am not contacting her. I don't have the right to send a friendship request or like one of her posts to draw her attention. Plus, i have been thinking about it, if she doesn't check my account out anymore. Maybe that is a sign for me to move on too. Maybe, i need to stick to my words of leaving. Maybe, i don't deserver a second chance. In the mean while, i am just waiting. God knows how long it will take untill i lose hope.
note 17: Vous avez envoyé day 19, good news, my friend responded and he was really happy, he managed to respond after a day of me sending a message. He missed the fuck out of me, he said. He alse thought i was dead. I appologized for not staying in contact with him and his friends, we were sort of the gang back at the day. To my surprise when asked him about them, he said they all got seperated with the exception of a couple of them.
note 18: Vacation is over, still at home clearly, don't really have a clear idea as to what will happen in termsof the uni. In this note, i wanted to dive deep into another subject. It has been since note 7 that i last talked about something interesting. Society. For the longest time, i have not been a huge fan of that word. Couldn'treally justify the obsessive sense of belonging to others. Socialization is what they call it. Just like most existential matters, the first question is the why. Why do people socialize? Where does this need of communication come from? What is it feeding inside? Our lust to be heard? Our lust to be felt? Perhaps our need to be related to? And cared for? Would it be insane to assume that we socialize because we dislike ourselves? That agreeing andapproving our dicision requires other people's consent and approval? That no matter what we do and how we feel, it all boils down to what others have to say about it? Do people even know what or who they are talking to? When we talk to and 'socialize' with others, are we really being accepted and welcomed to society? or is it the picture? the facade? the persona with which you introduced yourself at that moment that is being accepted and liked and understood? How willing is this 'compationate' society of knowing others? WHO THEY REALLY ARE? How many secrets are they interested in knowing? How many heartbrakes are they wanting to listen to and connect with? We say we want to help but can we? Is that responsibility even ours in the first place? How many people out there are willing to trully show who they are? what they really are inside? The person they speak with in bed? when looking into the mirror? Everyone has something to hide. Everyone. And that is why this fantasy of societal integration iswhat it is. A fantasy. No one is brave enough to do that. To commit to the real world. They say they socialize, they say they are extroverted and caring about others. But i call it BS, because it is not them that is doing all of that, it is the image, the portrait of someone else doing it. Introduce a little bit of change into their life. And watch them crumble down and not know what to do. Society is for ordinary, fake people that take off their masks when they are alone and no one is there is to judge. I believe that the existance of others is important, very crucial in the cycle of evolution, just not for the same reasons the mob would have. My ideas can change, no doubt about that. It's really the reason why i'm trying to reconcile with M. I have no shame in changing. A year,or two from now, i may have a different opinion that is the contrary of this one. Maybe, i'm just emotional. Tooemotional. Too emotional to think, too emotional to care, too emotional to feel, too emotional to understand emotions, too emotional for emotions.
note 19: I am starting to lose hope. Normally, i would be having an answer by now, a hint, a song, anything. That's one other thing about me that i'm not sure whether i should keep or change. I give up on people that give up on me. It happens so fast. I can spend an entire year with a friend and then if i feel left alone, i just accept it, i welcome it and let go of everything. It's like a broom, an eraser effect that deletes everything. It didn't happen with M, not a lot at least because the way that ended is not clear to me yet. It was also new,i never talked to a girl like that my whole life. Perhaps, it's my bias kicking in telling me to hold on a bit more. I'm not sure but every hour that goes by, i just feel more and more.........away. It's funny because that's how i feel all the time when i think about anyone i've met in my life.All i want is to make sure she is happier. All i want is to make sure someone out there is happier. I wanted to make sure that i did help, that i wasn't fooling myself into thinking that i cared about her to look or sound wise and empathetic. It's weird. Really weird. It always makes me confused. I want so badly to care for everyone but stay alone. It's like wanting to be huged but not to be touched. Flying but stay on the ground. Fighting but keeping your hands down. Feeling but staying empty. Loving but....not loving.
note 20: Just a quick note, i forgot in these notes somehow to mention that i actually met M the other day, while walking home. She was on the opposite way to school. I don't know how i missed her, normally, i have really good vision and acting skills to avoid these awkward situation but that time i didn't. I look to my right and there she was. Staring at me back. I waved at her, with a smile, trying to not make cringy. She waved back, seemed sad. Seemed like she still remembers. Aaaaaaaaaaand a second later, it was over. That wasn't the only time actually. At the start of the year, i remember seeing her coming my way too. I was full wearing full black, jordans too. I looked ahead, pretty casual prosedure i do all the time to inspect my surounding and there she was. 100 feet or so away from me. Like any scared pussy, i pretended to reach into my bag to grab my phone. She herself upon seeingme crossed to the other side of the road. See. I always pretend to not see people but in reality. I see everything, not all the time, there will come times where i won't pay attention and something will catch off guard. But every other time, i just fake everything. It's just easier for me to not do anything. It's better forothers if they don't get to know me. Maybe that is my sacrifice. Getting to know people, and then leave for their own sake. To not hurt them. For someone as unstable as i am, it will happen at the end. So, perhaps, that's a sacrifice i am commiting all the time. But why not bother to know people to begin with? wouldn't that be better for everyone? Others at least? Not sure why i wrote all of this, i thought it was gonna be short but got carried away a little at the end. I checked M's FB last night and she seemed alright. She was speaking to her friends,nothing alarming me that she is back to her old ways. Maybe this was a mistake. Maybe deleting those posts is the right thing to do. I don't want to disturbe her happiness. I don't want to disrupt the peaceful place she might be living now. I don't want to ruin all of that because i'm going through a mental breakdown hhhh. It's not a mental breakdown really, it's more like a mental discharge. I kinda want to delete those post now, i wish uni comes back so i don't have to think about this anymore.
note 21: She finally answered. It made me very happy, the fact that she still cares after all this time, that she is still curious to hear from me after all i have done, i remember what she has gone through when we met, thestories that she shared, and how much i cared for that. But really, it was me that was going through things at that time, i was the one that was struggling the most, i was the one that needed help, the fact that i got to talk to her..... to anyone like that gave me joy, it empowered me to share some of me with someone else, to open up just a tiny bit and feel something new for once. She was the reason for that, she was the reason for all of that. Before we split up she said that i was a hero and thanked for saving her. In reality, and what she doesn't know is that she is my hero, she saved me. I would wait all the time for when she would message me so i cansharing more things with her, i didn't save her, she chose to save herself and helped me save myself.....even for a little while. And so, as i am writing this note and as she is reading these words, and as my eyes start keep on swallowing because of the tears i'm shedding right now, i just like to let her know that i love her. That i will care for her. That no matter what she does, no matter who she chooses to be with , i will always care about her happiness and never be selfish enough to fuck her happiness up. My inner self may not like that and will try to ruin it, but if it's possible for M to not hate me after more than 9 months, i think it's possible for me to fight back and stay attached.
note 22: Stay safe, and study hard. And talk to your dad for christ sake. At least try you know.

months has passed and things has changed.
this is the last thing i recieved from him

[00:30 pm, 22/07/2021] .: PS: i wrote this the day after we stopped talking but i'm only sending now cause u don't be connected on whatsapp and i was lazy to go buy a ticket. So sorry i'm doing this today of all days, i just felt like it. M... i'm sorry if you are still troubled by what i said... I have been too selfish to explain anything to u and i apologize for that... and i feel even more guilty cause i promised u and more importantly myself to be as frank about how i feel as possible... i guess my old habits of closing in and not being warm to someone haven't been shaken off completely... with that i want to make up to u properly and talk about somethings i've been reflecting on recently hopefully clarifying any confusion and as always feel to ask any question no matter how awkward or sensitive it may be... I remember u expressing your intent to understand more about me and maybe i can help even though it won't paint the full picture of my inner mechanics... 100% unfiltered starting now... Your confession was the first i had ever received from a woman, a confession that i wished i never received because of how untouched and unhinged i felt after it. A man is supposed to greet his first ever confession with a warm ever so beating heart, it's supposed the happiest thing to happen in his life. I received it distastefully not to say i hated it but i didn't live through it, i didn't appreciate it i suppose, i never expected myself to reject a love on the spot certainly not from a woman of your calibre but my heart had already decided on that... u were okay with it, u were okay to stick around regardless and....... i never understood why.... when i first confessed to u and got rejected i couldn't handle staying and left, i was simply not ready for being just a friend but u didn't, u stayed. Is it because i told her to stay? Is she staying on her own will ? Or perhaps am i forcing this friendship? Those were some questions i would ask myself on this topic. Something that's been bugging me also is whether i could get myself to truly love u again. This was the result of hanging with my friends and listening to their love stories. Suffice to say that they weren't the luckiest people when it comes to romance, the overwhelming majority of them suffered a great deal of pain primarily because of how emotionally immature their partner was. Manipulation and greed were of upmost factors that lead to their misery... and as i listen to them speak, i became more and more astounded by how utterly cruel and unreasonably sinister some people can get... it made me think that finding the one true love is truly difficult, it's a gamble all the way through, no matter how sweet the relationship may appear on the surface, an in depth analysis would show fatal flaws and near toxic characteristics. And so it got me wondering... if we were a thing, would that ever happen? Would we come to despise each other? And not a single once did i hesitate on answering no. U seemed that mature and emotionally stable and level minded, you're not perfect by any means but in term of understanding ur emotions, well..... some people don't bother doing that to being with... and it got me thinking, maybe that makes u worth sharing a life with... M... every time you complement me, every time u thank me, every time you ask an advice from me, consult me, share something precious with me, every damn time u are being nice to me.... I. Hate. It. I do not, by any stretch of the imagination, deserve any of this. If only u got to know me more u'd realize that i'm no saint my self. Believe me, i am no person u'd want to stay friends with for long... u can say all u want that u'd never mind it and that it's not an issue but u can never evade the thought and its persuasions. We, naturally, want to love beings who are near perfect out of the box, we don't want to receive broken ones and bother having to help fix them, it's too much of a chore, too much of a responsibility that we don't even know we're up to. I'm guilty of thinking like so sometimes when u cross my mind. What's making it even more impossible for me to get more open about feelings every now and then is that i see my emotional numbness not as something to get rid of but as something to hold on tight to and draw strength from, not a single quality in life qualifies as good or bad, it's a mixture of both, and i tend to juice out the good in any quality i have and work towards understanding their darker parts. The thing is over time, i came to accept those darker parts and feel confort around them. Yes, my emotional numbness make me confortable, the coldness from it provides me warmth, safety and happiness. By now i'd prolly say something like i care about u... but that would be a lie. I don't. That's why i never bothered to text u first, never tried to deliver on my promise of meeting with u and only spent few minutes chatting every time we had the chance. Please, do not have the wrong idea. Again, i do not hate u... i just... also don't care for u. I never did care about anyone. That's how my fucked up heart works. Glad to help others, to give my all to assist them, to sacrifice my well being and put my self in a position of disadvantage to assist them and heal their pain... but never once bother to let them do the same for me, never once intended to let them into my world, never once found the need for help, mainly because most of the time i don't need it, every time there is an issue, i solve it on my own, effectively even. The only thing i believe in is my core, not even god himself can shake it. Ik who i am... I embrace who i am... i love who i am... with all of the fucked up things it encloses... my core will forever shine the way. That's why i never reached out for help... what's the need for help when it's already right here. So what do i want moving forward? What now? U may ask... I don't want ur friendship... i don't want u in my life any more... i know this ending sounds like all the other "endings" we've been before but i mean it this time. We are over. I think this is the right time to do it. U made sure and I made it very clear that i'll never hate u no matter how much it is tempting. So in a way, this ending is different, we're not fighting, we're not bitter, we're not being about the reasons we're going. I just want u to be a good, happy memory and nothing more, i would be lying to u if i was saying otherwise and i promised i was not... simply put, it's a friendly way of parting ways. No more texting and no more sudden visits. I'll give a head room of only one text to reply to this and then i'm blocking ur number, so feel free to remove it from ur contacts list. And please, stop blaming urself for everything. Stop assuming people are flawless and that u are the one in the wrong and that u and only U need to be better. Thank u for everything. Sayonara.