03/09/2022
i just finished the video and uploaded it, it really felt like a pain in the ass this whole time, i don't know. but what can i do, as i promised myself, i have to keep trying
05/09/2022
it's september fifth already, and im just so numb. brain dysfunction not sure, it's more like soul-disfunction. im just getting so dumb, i cant think properly. i wonder when mom dies what will happen to me, without her i'm nothing, i ll just become a pathetic homeless. i cant stand living with dad for more than 3 days let alone a whole week, not that he is bad or anything, but it's depressing, yes that's the right term, each time i go to him, i don't feel like he is my dad, your dad is supposed to be your family, but i don't feel like dad is my family. if he dies i don't think i will ever shed a tear for him, because he simply didn't live with me, i don't know him enough to say that he is my family.
next will be back to uni, first year, starting from zero. i'm not hopeful for the future, i will just continue to exist without hope, just a body functioning without a soul, a robot that pretends to feel things. a stupid robot.
06/09/2022
writing this at 7am
in the past couple of days i ve been trying to fix my sleep, but i couldnt. luckily tho, today i managed to sleep and wake up in the morning, read a little bit of kafka on the shore, a book recommended by an internet friend, so far 100 pages i wouldnt say i like the book much, i don't really see any point of writing a 600 page novel, the 100 pages could ve been 20 pages but i don't know, writers know better i guess.
so i had this thought today, or a question, if our lifespan is moving very fast and today will just go by in a blink of an eye, then whats the point in going through all of this? and so my answer to the question was: hear me out dumbass, these questions wont serve you anything, these sort of questions are irrational,and the thing about life is that, you wake up, try your best to do things just like everyone else does try to be strong intellectually and physically so you dont become a prey if you wanna do yourself a favour and then days go buy with you doing the same things with the purpose of getting stronger till you age and then die. without much that you just put that in your mind and stop overthinking stuff and living in a future that might never come.
11/09/2022
writing this at 1pm
rethinking friendship... this summer i feel like i drifted away from my bestfriends, in the past four years, my two bestfriends were the only people that i go to for support or just for being listened to, they have always been there, they have always been compassionate, they were the light in my darkness and i'm really grateful for having them. i have been thinking about our friendship, would it last? this question struck my mind when i talked to two ex-bestfriends i used to have, one of them was my friend for four years as well, when talking to them i felt that we can never connect on the same level at all like before, the chance is close to 1%. i feel like i'm the one that changed, mostly. and so will the same thing happens with my two bestfriends? bestfriends are a great deal for me, unless something happens, could be very little that will over time affect our relationship, the thing about me i just cant tolerate even a small fraction of a defect, we have been friends for years and if i ever sensed that something isnt right, i will automatically, drift away, but slowly. and i'm pretty much sure that's what's gonna happen in the next couple of months, if the both of us stop trying then we cant save it anymore, it shows. i don't feel like i need friends, not anymore, i'm doing fine by myself, hell i even enjoy going to a restaurant or a coffee shop by myself than with a bestfriend. maybe if we unleash ourselves from the past, that's how we set ourselves free? so far, i have been a good friend, that's something i myself admit, i ve been there for them, spent a great deal of my time just to be in their company or to help them, and they did the same in return so we are even. there is this one guy that i really really like his company, known him last year, each time we talk through discord i never get bored even though i feel dumb each time we talk, even though i dont know 40% of the things he mentions, i guess 80% will give it justice, i particularly like that person's company more than anyone's he just doesnt know how much i like him and how much i wanna go with him to a nice place when it's still daylight and not so hot and talk together about all sorts of stuff, but i we will never get the chance to be bestfriends, and that life, doesnt always give you what you want, except from that person, i'm fine by myself, i dont need anyone, everyone is free to go, i don't care about anyone anymore. it's over.
14/09/2022
writing this at 5:30pm
maybe i should start with the reason i'm writing right now, I usually come write here because of something that affected me emotionally one way or another. In the past 3 to 4 days i finally had my sleep fixed, i sleep around 10 pm and wake up at 5am almost 7 hours of sleep, i eat my breakfast and just watch something, i rarely do something productive, so after i finished breaking bad today, i just had these questions, what should i do, i don't feel like doing anything, i force myself to do things, which something i already stated before, this state of anhedonia is an indication that my depression is still there, its just waiting for winter to appear and affect me strongly, my soul is withering and i cant help it.. i always feel pressured to do things, whenever im sitting in my desk i just get anxious because i have to do many things that are crucial for my developement. and sometimes my brain would do this thing like pressure me to do something so i can feel a thing, you know what i'm talking about. i will go in a few minutes and finish what i've started doing, that is reading my very first french book named "sofie et les extra-terrestres" it's a children's book, i thought i should start with children's books that arent dense so i don't give up on reading it and therefore giving up on improving my french, if you ask why do i have to improve it, well because it's my second language and everyone in film industry in my country speaks french fluently, even when in cinema they project movies that are french-dubbed and i figured that i will go to cinemas a lot, pffffffffff there are lots of reasons why i need to improve it. anyways so just before i go i wanna tell you about this old-lady i met yesterdy and became friends with, so i took my bike yesterday and went to the beach, alone, stayed there for a while and while i was sitting this lady approched me and said if i'm sitting alone so she could sit with me, she mentioned that she was praying to find another lady so she could sit with her, i let her stay next to me, and then she started asking about this amphitheater where people go to to attend music concerts, so i explained that she its close from there she should just ask people and they will tell her from where to go, and then she asked me whether the beach is safe to swim in, i told her people swim in there but there are lots of rocks so she should be careful, we kept talking and stuff till i asked her whether she got children so maybe they can come with her and take care of her, she told me that she didnt marry nor did she have children, she spent her life working in an office, now that she retired she feels lonely, she told me that she sleeps when the sun gows below the horizon, she said she is 57 but later admitted that she is 64, she told me about this guy that is a friend of hers, he is 42 but she seems like she likes him, but i don't think he likes her back, he is just with her for her money, and so i warned her that she should be careful, come to think of it why would a 42 year old unemployed man be with a 64 year old lady? its not rocket science, he is using her. i tried to tell her that it's okay to be alone, i mean if she doesnt have children or anyone to be with her why dont she travel or do things, lots of married couples are living a miserable life just because of the fear of ending up lonely, so they just accept living such life when in reality they would be better off if they chose to live alone for the rest of their lives, she told me that she wants to marry so bad, she just want a man. i mean i understand where she is coming from, but the chance to find somebody that wanna be with her for the sake of being with her and not to exploit her is really low. anyways i gave her my number, maybe we will meet few times again, she mentioned that she doesnt know how to use a smartphone and doesnt have anyone to show her how to, so i thought if we meet again i would show her how to use it. she think that anyone with a college degree is cultured and intellectually superior, and i tried to explain to her that a college degree doesnt make u cultured by any means, i tried to explain that the majority of college graduates are nothing but pseudo-intellectuals, they think that a college degree would make them thinkers, but they end up being a copy of each other, sleep-walking creatures. at lest she has been living in her own cave and is not biased like us.
20/09/2022
there's something about emptiness, before when i used to feel empty and useless, my bestfriends would remind me that i'm loved, and that i'm a special person anybody want to be friends with, they would always validate me genuinely so the feeling of uselessness and emptiness would go away and feel like a normal hunam being again that can connect with other people. ever since i moved bestie two and me stopped going out, we havent been talking much, and i just feel empty again waiting to be filled. i have been thinking about lots of stuff lately, i asked this question hundred times, am i being true to myself? and i just cant get out of myself an answer, but i know the answer, no i havent been true to myself, i feel numb. last night was watching youtube, and there's a guy from AGT says something like" when you try to survive you forget that dreams are possible" and it just hit me, because i don't think i am living, or at least i don't feel like it. i still can't find something worth fighting for, something that would push me to create and do things, every day the hatered i have for this world gets bigger and bigger, I try to keep myself disconnected from it totally ignorant but that doesn't help it just makes it worse. since i brought up the word hatered, let's talk about envy now, i have always tried to repress this feeling, since it's regarded as immoral and socially inacceptable, i say instead of suppressing the feeling, why don't we just acknowledge it's presence and maybe in doing that we set ourselves free...
21/09/2022
it's back again, i cant get out of bed, i dont brush my teeth, i cant do anything i can't fous on anything im not sure whether these are the withdrawal symptoms but i feel terrible i cant focus i cant process shit i feel dumb i wanna die buti cant do shit abt it.
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i really like this place, neocities i mean, every time i see people here talking about the old web, it really makes me want to go back in the early 2000 and experience it, although neocities kind of gave me the chance to experience a glimpse of it, i long for that time that i will never get the chance to be a part of. i feel like everyone here is running away from the pretentious world of social media and from all the modern world crap to make their own genuine corner here .
ever since i was 13 i only use facebook as i always was on limited data, until i became sixteen years old, that's when i moved to live in my mother's house which has unlimited data. the internet has changed me in many ways and allowed my to know new things about the world and myself and i'm really grateful that it exists and that im a part of it. speaking of which i'm working on something that has to do with social media, it's either i become a part of the crap or just look from afar and analyze it. and i chose the latter. will tell you more about it soon.
anyhow, earlier i took myself to this bookshop in which i bought a new backpack then i went to a nearby coffee shop and stayed there. i feel like going outside and sitting alone while also surrounded by people who are doing their own stuff makes feel fresh. i won't be relying on medication and conforming to what others are telling me. psychiatrists are scammers, i don't need them, will do my best to function on my own.
22/09/2022
writing this at three am
i really need to get things off my chest somewhere so i came here, almost four months ago i met a person online with whom i became friends, we talk pretty much everyday, i mean we talk but it's mostly about our day and how it was, i share things with him, and he recently started doing the same, telling me about silly things he does, the thing is sometimes i start to freak out, my mind would constract these dillusions of him meeting someone in real life and replacing me with them, but at the same time, there's not sign that this person has feelings for me and i still don't get it, why does he still talk to me, when i know hundred percent that i'm not a person you would waste your time talking to, i really am empty, don't have much to say about anything my knowledge is limited as heck, and i can't make funny jokes hell i don't make jokes and i can't make insightful comments, i'm a dead stiff, the only thing i do is share with him my day, that's all or sometimes suggest a movie which we don't end up watching, sometimes when i talk to him, i feel my heart sort of fluttering, he is someone i wouldn't mind being with for the rest of my life, he is an okay person he touches no one and no one touches him, he doesn't argue at all, he is peaceful and gentle, he likes cats, he is taller than me, has wavy close to curly hair, he is humble looking form what he told me, i don't know how he actually looks like because i never seen him, but i really don't care, he listens to nice music has his own unique niche he draws really good stuff, i ve never been really loved for what i am you know? even with my past relationships they just seen a person on the surface and wanted to be with for other reasons that actually caring or loving the person i am inside, i don't blame them, i wouldnt love me or care about me if i were them, sometimes i really wish this person can see through me and just love me and care about me because it's me you know, sometimes i just long for that feeling of being accepted in someone's heart and being loved purely. there's a part of me deep down that's always searching for this person that i would spend the rest of my life with, my lifemate, is it because of the fear of loneliness? but i don't think that's the case, no for real, i think i long for the presence of someone i can be totally myself around because im exhausted of hiding or uncousciously fearing alienation. i don't want to feel like an outcast i want to belong somewhere warm. witht his person i feel like it's really hard to get into him, it's like throughout the years he has built thick walls around him and that's what made the job of breaking those walls really hard for me, sometimes i would say to myself, why would you try? why are you doing this? what if this person will forget about you the moment he finds cool and kind people to be around, and i know thats selfish but isn't reasonable? what if i do the same to him what if i walk away and decide that i don't want to talk to this person anymore? wouldn't it be really bad to put our whole friendship that we worked to build in a trash bin ? yeah but what if, we know that everything is temporary but why would we do this when we know it's going to end someday? because of the experience, yeah but what if im totally okay with my own company? why am i doing this to myself oh gosh.
writing this at 8pm
there is a deep sadness inside me. why is everything seems boring boring to me, why nothing interests me?
25/09/2022
writing this at 1:30 pm
i can't help but feel like i'm someone that's destined to live a lonely life. even though i have two faithful friends that i can call anytime and am sure that they're gonna be there, but the fact that there'll come a day where they ll have their own lives, their own family is what led me to say: i feel like i'm destined to live a lonely life. you might wonder what makes me feel that way, to be honest i want to feel this way because i hate to hope that i will one day be with someone that loves and care about me genuinely, and even if i find that person, the most likely outcome is that i will be the one to ruin everything despite their care and affection, even if i love that person just as much, i wouldn't help but feel like they are gonna leave me once they find a better replacement, which i know most of the time isn't true but i can't help it, and that's how everything will be ruined by distancing myself from them, because i don't want to feel it again, i don't want to get hurt. and i guess i have to accept this and move on, i'm very sure that there is more to life than relationships.
i love my cat so much
28/09/2022
expressin my ultimate hate to my country and its people: i feel completely alienated, don't mistake me for someone who lived most of their life somewhere else,NO UNFORTUNATELY I DIDNT HAVE THE CHANCE TO STEP OUTSIDE OF THIS GODFORSAKEN PLACE EVEN ONCE, I LIVED MY ENTIRE LIFE HERE AND I HATE EVERY BIT OF IT, i hate the language, we don't have a rich or even good enough vocabulary, people are unethical, rude,liars, superficial and ignorant, even the ones that think they are educated and cultured are just doing it to seek attention and to show how intellectual and first class they are, for real, all the culture, accomplishments and the stupid stuff they are blabbing about twenty four seven is bullshit, it's really hard to find real people you can connect with, i hate the mindset that everyone has, i hate to take two damn hours to go university, having to not even sit in a chair in a damn bus while seeing people riding their fancy cars alone did they even think about maybe taking three people with them on their way, what the hell is wrong with that, well yeah because they wanna look prestigious oh no they are probably afraid they are gonna get robbed they will say this as an excuse for their greediness. imagine if riding cars is forbidden, imagine having people to pay taxes so we can buy good enough public transportation, oh no this prolly never crossed anybody's mind. i hate the fact that i had the chance to live in a very beautiful place nearby a forest but wasn't allowed to go alone and wander there because i will probably get raped. i hate the way people see themselves and each other. i hate all their damn noises, i hate the surface level topics they talk about or the so called edgy memes they post on facebook. this country is cursed, and so its people, if you live anywhere else in the world excluding third world countries, do yourself a favor and never think of traveling here. just stay away. just live while you still have time, live because someone else spends more than four hours every day just to get to school but they don't end up studying because of the irresponsible professor that didn't even inform them that he is not coming.
30/09/2022
writing this at 12pm
we cant expect to be happy and feel okay everyday, we have to accept the fact that we imperfect that we will get rejected by some people or a certain group, that in the eyes of each person we know and we meet we are different people, the only real version of who we are can only be known by us and at that time we are the ones to decide whether to accept ourselves or not. i get anxious, i get hurt, i beat myself up for silly things i do, i think i'm sometimes dumb, and maybe cringey, but i'm growing, and i will never be as dumb as i am now, i will continue, i will move on, i'm not static, i grow with each horrible feeling, with each painful experience. what everyone else thinks doesn't matter.