24/10/2023
Dear F
FUCK FRENCH honestly.
it has been a long time I haven't writtin anything here, but I ve been writing elsewhere, in this commonplace notebook I started writing in after coming back from FIFAK.
I have been living without electricity for 3 months now, family conflict. don't ask me. but whatever I learned to adapt anyways, losing lots of money on coffee shops that's for sure, but hopefully all this crap ends soon. just hopefully.
I'm not writing here in the hopes that you will one day stumble upon them, that possiblity is very unlikely, but I figured it's the only way we can stay connected,
"it's not the end ... that much I can tell you... Whether it's in this life or another... Our story won't end buddy... Greater things await both of us."
what was this supposed to be. hope? whether it's in this life or another... ah F, did I find what I left for? no. was what I left for worth it? no. I deserve it darling. I was clueless, I was immature. I don't deserve you. I never did.
25/10/2023
Dear F
I ll wait for you; I ll wait for the day you're going to come back:
until then, will try harder, in the hopes to fix myself, and i ll keep writing to you; even if i ll be crushed at the end, I will never move on as long as there's a chance, even if it's small, that you're gonna come back, that we're gonna make it work, that we will spend the rest of our lives together, that we will age together, that we will both die holding each other's hands,
for the first time in this cycle, i'm going to have hopes, I will wait
26/10/2023
Dear F
today two families, I believe French, came to eat breakfast together, the kids were really cute, they were quiet, polite, they'd genuinely smile at you when you smile at them, every kid just started doing something and didn't annoy their parents, one was reading a manga, the other was drawing and the girl, was writing something, I observed them, I swear I wouldn't get bored if it was a 2 hours documentary about them just dining together, I looked at them, and I remembered you, maybe If we were to marry, we'd be a family like that, maybe it wouldn't be so bad to have my own chlidren, our children, we d raise them well, we will teach them how to write and read, we will buy them comic books and mangas, we give them drawing supplies, we will show them everything good about this world, and we will show them the part where they wouldn't like much, we ll take them to an elder house every vacation, or an orphange we will let them play with the children and teach them how to be grateful for what they have.
30/10/2023
Dear F
I'm thinking about you, us, and everything that happened. I'm very confused. new questions are rising to the surface, bugging me. should I spend my time thinking about the past, about you? a person that has only been present for fragmented periods of my life in the past four years and a half? my step dad just came to my room looking for mom who left home 15 minutes ago to go grocery shopping, he is asking me if she went to work, and if he can stay on bed in my room. he is afraid, he doesn't want to stay alone, always touching his head as if it's filled with tiny parasites that are making him restless, hurting him without physically hurting him.
28/10/2023
Dear F
you words are hunting me everwhere i go...
By the time I read through the first line... I could tell by the end of the message... My first impressions will be the same. What type of delusion made you think sending this was a good idea.
I have no clue at all... And please do enlighten if you can... Why it is all of a sudden you felt the need to send this. Is it something that happened? Was it good? Was it bad? Is this because you had a burst of emotions? I don't know.
Maram... I need you to focus very well with what I'm about to say. This may be a wake up call for you and benifit you in the long run... So whether it comes out agressive or hostile matter not to me.
Firstly, you'll never see me as a lover... I'll never see you as a friend.
I think that's very fair. Not to mention, you want something out…
You said it best Maram... "I am very unpredictable". It's unfortunate for me to say... That after what happened. I simply can't trust a single thing you say. I'm sorry buddy. One moment, you want something... The next moment you change your mind. Nothing guarentees you'll stay. I'm willing to bet you don't even know when you mean what you say. Simply put... I don't need that in my life. I wish you could've read my message addressing your apparent anger and frustration at me before blocking me the first time. because you seem to keep missing my point. And the point is simple. You want me to be your friend. I don't. I want you to be my partner. You don't. That's that. Either we both get what we want. Or none of us do. I would also like to reiterate that it's b…
[22/10 à 20:31] Firas: Truely… what a tragedy this tuned out to be
[22/10 à 20:37] Firas: Do whatever u want now… I said all I wanted to say. Whether u answer this or not. You won’t hear another word from me.
[22/10 à 22:54] Firas: A day after you left
[22/10 à 22:54] Firas: I started a diary
[22/10 à 22:55] Firas: Seemed convenient to have my first entry be about us
[22/10 à 22:55] Firas: #+TITLE: A new beginning [2023-4-20 Thursday]
#+DATE: 2023-4-20 Thursday
"You're really good at writing... you should really consider it or something".
Diaries have always been a concept I personally wasn't all that fond of... Cataloging your experiences and day to day events
had always lacked any meaning or impact... Discussing topics ranging from personal all the way to what many would label as
'random' or more formally known as 'small talks'.
The time is 10:38 PM... Approximately a day and 8 hours after ties were cut with someone I consider the dearest to my heart.
The feelings projected, contrary to what is expected, are satisfaction and fulfillment.
Happy would be an overstatement but overall the feeling of relief reigned in the end.
Ultimately, you cannot control people's course of actions and decisions they make... Weak and fragile against a will out of your
reach and control... Pointless to enforce your world views on others.
"I don't want to lose you"... I believed you... Solemnly, from the bottom of my heart I did... I was hopeful this time will truly
be different... That the cycle would break and that we'll stick together at last. I'm not angry... not frustrated... not bitter...
neither feel betrayed nor looking for revenge... All I'm englobed by is wonder... A type of wonder questioning your words...
Contemplating how true they were... Analyzing your tone once the words were uttered and thinking whether they meant a thing to you...
Whether the emotions were real to you... A play was it... I do not claim you were lying or bluffing intended to fool and deceive...
But I can not help but wonder ... "I love you too"... "Yeah but as long as we're together it does not matter"...
"You know I'm a mess but at least I'm your mess"... "The more I meet you and spent more time with you the more this love thing gets bigger in my heart".
Unexpected you are, And I agree with your assessment. A big part of me sees this wonder as useless and quite frankly wasteful.
I know for a fact you mean everything you do and say. But a little part of me can't help but just wonder.
"People will go"... "Nobody stays"... "Everything comes to an end". When one decides to put an end to things before they even get the
opportunity to begin... It is far from surprising that one starts to maneuver through life convinced the world works that way. The agony one
must go through to reach such non-sensical conclusions... The level of hurt one must surpass all alone to affirm such notions. I am in no
position to deny these experiences... I am however in the position to help and perhaps heal... Ultimately, that's the one thing that
hurt the most... That yet again... I was not enough to heal your battle scars... I was not enough to make you see something in yourself... Yet
again... I was not enough to someone in my life. If only I can put my finger on what it is that I'm missing... If only someone can direct
me to it and guide me to the source of my lack so I can finally figure out how to not be useless and convince people that I'm worthy of being in
their life. Life goes on... Whether we like the path on which it put us or hope for a different one... We can not afford to freeze in time...
We can not afford to stay stuck in the past... We are not built to sustain an alternative life in the past... Building the world around you on
false subjective notions and assumptions founded on past experience is a prison cell the key to which is in your hands... Some realize that sooner than
others. And so here we are... A journey begins... I am indeed considering the act of writing away on here until perhaps one day the meaning and the impact
that I can not perceive from it appears...
[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gUNK7McA7eg&list=RDLeOOOhfqbiI&index=6][The song]] I am listening to currently... Magical to say
the least... The build up is empowering and energizes me to write down my thoughts. Overcharges my drive to express more on this diary.
And the slow, seamless and gracious change of instrumental temperament nearing the end is gorgeous.
I guess it's official... Already calling it one... This is my diary
Hope you enjoy it dear whoever I decide to share it with. We will have a lot of topics to discuss in here but for now... I believe this
is not a severely lacking attempt at a first diary entry.
[22/10 à 23:21] Firas: What hurts even more… Is that none of what I said is true… I still love you more than anyone… That I’ll never in my lifetime build something quite as special as ours… That I’ll never know why it only matters that much to me alone… And all of the wasted beautiful things we could’ve done together. I sentenced myself to a lonely death the second I met u… I’m 23… I’m too young to know this… You chose the wrong person once and I had to pay for it… that’s why I can’t take it anymore… I’m tired of paying the full price for wounds and pain I didn’t cause.
[23/10 à 00:12] Firas: And that’s where you fall right into your own trap… you don’t •want to love someone•… You just do… whether u feel it or u don’t
[23/10 à 00:13] Firas: Will it be hurtful if I said I believe none of what u say so far?
[23/10 à 00:13] Firas: Why do u think that is in your opinion?
[23/10 à 00:17] Firas: Say Maram… why am I so worthy all of a sudden?
[23/10 à 00:19] Firas: Am I supposed to take this as a joke?
[23/10 à 00:19] Firas: Cause it’s really not the best timing for it
[23/10 à 00:20] Firas: It’s just that I suck… but less?
[23/10 à 00:22] Firas: How come I don’t think you suck at all?
[23/10 à 00:23] Firas: I just said u don’t
[23/10 à 00:24] Firas: And yet… I do to you
[23/10 à 00:24] Firas: Perhaps this is the issue Maram
[23/10 à 00:24] Firas: Perhaps… all of this… all of what was… even all of what could’ve been… it all matters to me alone
[23/10 à 00:25] Firas: Maybe I need to stop doing that for a change… and see how I’ll feel about you not caring about it
[23/10 à 00:25] Firas: Perhaps it’ll make it easier for me
[23/10 à 00:26] Firas: Did u mean ur words? When we were together?
[23/10 à 00:26] Firas: Did u mean anything u said?
[23/10 à 00:35] Firas: I’m sad
[23/10 à 00:35] Firas: Truely broken
[23/10 à 00:36] Firas: Because the more you talk… the less I believe
[23/10 à 00:36] Firas: You did it
[23/10 à 00:36] Firas: I’m shedding tears
[23/10 à 00:36] Firas: Yet again… I’m shedding tears for you
[23/10 à 00:37] Firas: Did you really have to leave?
[23/10 à 00:37] Firas: Did u at least find what u left for?
[23/10 à 00:38] Firas: Tell me Maram… was is at least worth it for you?
[23/10 à 00:46] Firas: Is it too much now to ask for you not to give up on me again… And have a conversation like adults?
[23/10 à 00:54] Firas: How?
[23/10 à 00:54] Firas: How were u trying?
[23/10 à 01:00] Firas: What happened to uni? And your dream?
[23/10 à 01:02] Firas: It’s not what I asked
[23/10 à 01:07] Firas: I’m tired now… I have uni tomorrow… I’m going to bed now
[23/10 à 12:43] Firas: I’ve been learning Japanese for 3.5 months now… i’m almost 2200 vocab words in… i understand somethings… still have a long way to go… it’s a two year plan I have… by the time i graduate I thought I’d get myself to a decent enough level to make me study and live in Japan comfortably. If not… I’d finish studying in Canada and keep studying Japanese in the background. I had made my mind… No matter how many years it’ll take out of me… I’ll make it. I’ll learn Japanese and achieve the dreams that have ignited in me this summer. I had to lose 2 close people to me to get to where I am now. And everyday I’m pushing forward towards that goal.
I thought about it more… My answer is still no. No matter how sweet your words may sound to you… Nothing is reaching… The meaning are all meaningless… The mere idea that u would one day somehow love me just seems so out of reach it’s pointless… I’m not supposed to teach u that… U just feel it… U just have it. I don’t want it to be fake and artificial… You either feel it or not. We had spent enough time together to know that. Thanks for everything… Happy I’m not the only moving forward in life… Wish it helps with some of your battle scars… goodbye for real now.
[23/10 à 14:06] Firas: It’s not the end… that much I can tell you… Whether it’s in this life or another… Our story won’t end buddy… Greatet things await both of us.