03/10/2022

writing this at 12:40pm
i took a sleeping pill so i feel like i'm gonna pass out in a minute but i just wanna write some stuff, today i met friends from the internet for the first time and i just realized how much i suck at socializing and being myself, also the people i met all the time i felt like i'm being judged, but fuck it, one has to do things that stimulates its brain, meeting different people will definitely help, i'm hoping that i'm improving with time, will prolly never meet them again, but i had the chance to meet people different from me in a way. i also on my way home a drunk taxi driver picked me up, he was literally drinking in the car godfucking dammit, anyways i thought he is gonna take me somewhere and rape me, but he was in facct pretty chill, he showed me this toy he bought for his son and was excited to give it to himm, kinda wholesome, he told me not to be afraid as he is just drinking, but for real dude how the hell you do i stop myself from being afraid

05/10/2022

i signed up for this, what if i become a monster? what if i become hated by people? what if i become the black sheep? is the way i'm functioning right? how can i know? what if the past repeats itself again? what if i become a hikikomori ? what if i'm deluded right now? how can i prevent myself from being deluded? what if i get enlightened too late? how can i do right? how can i do it right? what is love? whhat the hell, i hope i don't kill myself i hope i don't kill myself, i wanna exist peacefully omg i don't want expectations why is my brain like this what am i like this, am i going to bear this shit forever? i don't wanna look stupid, its really nice to feel like you are loved and accepted, i don't want to become weird, i really don't want to i just don't know how to it, i don'tknow how to function in the right way

09/10/2022

I met bestie two today, we went to this place where there are lots of shops that sell new and second hand clothes and books, i bought a graphic novel by Sarah's Andersen, she is the author of Sarah's Scribbles it's a pretty popular comic book. i also bought a medical and health encyclopedia, i think you don't have to be a medical student to know how your body works, aand last but not least bought another encyclopedia about space in french "L'ESPACE" thought i should buy more french stuff because i need to get better at it, our professor gave us this assignment which is like, we have to read a novel be it french or arabic, i chose "l'etranger d'albert Camus" because i need to be pushed in order for my french to get better, so far film-school is okay, i just hate the transportation, two hours everyday, no matter how much i complain it won't give my struggle in public transportation justice. although i should be sleeping now cuz tomorrow i need to wake up real early, i wanna tell you about other things, do you ever just feel like you want somebody? that you like them so much you wish they like you back but you know it aint possible because they are out of your league? that you are not as smart, compassionate, or strong as them, that they will never see you because they think they deserve better. the thing is i know i don't want to be in a relationship but i want to be loved, i want somebody to see through me and still love me for what i am, but does it even matter when i myself don't like what i see inside? that i'm not comfortable in my own body? i think in order for us to reach that point where we feel confident in who we are, where we love who we are, we need to work real hard on that, do things we never thought we do, get out of our confort zone so to speak. tomorrow mom will hopefully help me with the yearly gym subscription, i needd this so much, i want to reach my limit and see to what extent i can go, i can't stay like this my whole life, i want to actually feel myself, really feel myself. i long for the day where i don't feel empty, if you fill yourself with things you won't feel empty i guess, but i'm not filling myself enough.

10/10/2022

when listening to music, sometimes i wish that time stops and the songs keeps playing on repeat, -currently listening to Anchor by Roland Faunte-, i'm sitting in the library because i woke up late and the professor didn't allow me to enter the class, i really hate professors, they are allowed to come back late, they are allowed to not come at all without even informing us, but we, nop. i'm thinking of what i should be writing about, the other day i told you about going to an art exhibition with my classmates and i enjoyed their company actually, i mostly enjoy being with male's company to be honest, none of the females i study interest me to talk with if you want me to be honest, i think it has always been like this, except from my bestfriends ofc . i fee l like i can relate to males because maybe we ve gone through the same experience ? i don't know. it's not like i feel like i'm a male, no i'm a female, but it's just different.

17/10/2022

getting strong won't just benifit you, it will also benifit those who you once was one of them, those that might never have the same fate as you, you are lucky, and the amount of luck you had been given has a purpose, you are the chosen one, you are the hero who is gonna save the unlucky weak souls. you might be the luck and strength they never thought will have.

20/10/2022

my website is the most boring thing on neocities, i wonder why people follow it. for those who sent me anonymous comments i would like to say that i truly and from the bottom of my heart appreciate every word, only i don't know how to reply, have i mentioned before that i SUCK at instant messaging? or at replying for that matter, i mean isn't it obvious why i named myself empty? the thing about me is that even id you fill me i would still be empty.
enough of this bullshit now.
LIFE UPDATE : i don't know from where to start, but well, let's start from october 13th, when i celebrated my 21st birthday with family, my mother bought a nice pistachio cake, brought me a yearly gym membership card, which is maybe the most expensive gift i ever receive, ofc i asked for it in advance. my aunt brought me a pink rose quartz gemstone, turns out this stone is the symbol of unconditional love. my internet friend, sent me a birthday card he made with paint, and it was really cute that i print it and hang it on the door of my closet. that was pretty much all. university is the most boring shit ever and so are the people i study with.

23/10/2022

you are right pumpkin, i should probably change my name to something else but i'm not sure what, let that be the drive for now, a new name, it has to be something that's the oppisite of empty but i don't want to use something thats just not me you know? i will keep looking for a name or for something else besides the emptiness, and when i find it maybe then i can change the name to something else.
i was on tumblr the other day and read something about monogamy beautiful that i d like to share :

"I don't know if I've learned anything yet! I did learn how to have a happy home, but I consider myself fortunate in that regard because I could've rolled right by it. Everybody has a superficial side and a deep side, but this culture doesn't place much value on depth — we don't have shamans or soothsayers, and depth isn't encouraged or understood. Surrounded by this shallow, glossy society we develop a shallow side, too, and we become attracted to fluff. That's reflected in the fact that this culture sets up an addiction to romance based on insecurity — the uncertainty of whether or not you're truly united with the object of your obsession is the rush people get hooked on. I've seen this pattern so much in myself and my friends and some people never get off that line. But along with developing my superficial side, I always nurtured a deeper longing, so even when I was falling into the trap of that other kind of love, I was hip to what I was doing. I recently read an article in Esquire magazine called 'The End of Sex,' that said something that struck me as very true. It said: "If you want endless repetition, see a lot of different people. If you want infinite variety, stay with one." What happens when you date is you run all your best moves and tell all your best stories — and in a way, that routine is a method for falling in love with yourself over and over. "You can't do that with a longtime mate because he knows all that old material. With a long relationship, things die then are rekindled, and that shared process of rebirth deepens the love. It's hard work, though, and a lot of people run at the first sign of trouble. You're with this person, and suddenly you look like an asshole to them or they look like an asshole to you — it's unpleasant, but if you can get through it you get closer and you learn a way of loving that's different from the neurotic love enshrined in movies. It's warmer and has more padding to it."

24/10/2022

I'm grateful for my life, everyone was nice to me today, from the gym coach to the juice shop lady.

26/10/2022

i wonder why some people like to make life even harder for themselves? i know this thinking is shallow but i'm surprised, maybe shocked. staying away from everyone simply because their view of the world doesnt allign with yours, calling them morally retarded, how can we be this much cruel? why its so fucking hard to make a pure friendship nowadays? there's a conclusion i reached to yesterday, friendship ends with the end of childhood, doesn't necessarily mean age, but when the child inside you dies, your ability to make real and pure connection with other souls also dies.