22/05/2023

I look at people around me, with the hope that someone can look at me and actually see me, see me for what I am. I am writing this, with nothing but poor writing skills, and some vocabulary. But still I ll keep writing in English, writing and writing, because there’s nothing else I could do, writing to me is the only thing that’s going to save me, or at least help to ease the pain that’s aching inside me. To heal the unseen scars, that sometimes still hurt but cannot tell where the hurt is coming from. I hope I can say I was not the only one responsible for the pain I feel, but I cannot help it now, I am the sole responsible for the pain I feel. I cannot see anything coming out of this, or myself, but I hope I can carry on, I promise I will keep trying, I promise. He is never going to come to me, because there are alternatives, better alternatives, why risk it for me? When you are not even sure that you can ever have feelings for me. But, but, but we lived together, we slept together, we tried to masturbate together, we drew things together, we talked night and nights, we watched movies together, we ate together, we did everything, except for everything was online, except for that, but, but isn’t the online real life too ?. Just another form of real life, where we cannot see each other we cannot touch each other but we somehow connect, we connected, we did it you touched my soul, you touched my wounded soul you have seen me, you have seen everything, but how come you’re so scared, how come can you not try to do anything about it, why does have to always be me the one that tries? . This whole thing makes every possibility of connecting with someone in the future pointless, because no one is willing to make the effort, no one is willing to appreciate our connection, appreciation needs to be companied with doings, we do things, why do you have to give up, why do I always have to be the one that people give up on? “.... one can embrace the pessimistic view, but navigate its currents in one’s life. It is possible to be an unequivocal pessimist but not dwell on these thoughts all the time. They may surface regularly, but it is possible to busy oneself with projects that create terrestrial meaning, enhance the quality of life (for oneself, other humans, and other animals), and “save” lives (but not create them!). This strategy, which I call pragmatic pessimism, ...”