05/05/2022

I'm back. shaking, slightly shaking. life is so tragic you live till you get to 50 and then you start developing brain dementia or god knows what, you start loosing your self-esteem that you have worked so hard to build in the past 30 years or so, everyone starts treating you as if you ve lost your mind well because you are in the process of losing it and you just wonder what's going on, you don't know and they don't know. your wife is pretty exhausted she tries not to show it but sometimes she can't help it, cause she is tired, her whole life has been trying hard to live, and build a balanced family, but that doesn't seem to happen, and she keeps wondering when will life ever get better for her, she did everything she could,but till when? why those who try harder get their dream shattered, they build them again hoping that they will come true someday and they just keep on dreaming again and again for all of them to be destroyed again and again and again .
i want to listen to something sad; something that matches how i feel right now, because i'm just so so so so so so so sos os os o saaad. i just, my heart can't handle all of this tragedy why do i only see the dark side of things, i'm truly sad and afraid that mom will die one day without me making her really happy and proud because she is the only one that truly believed in me and i dont' seem to do anything that makes her happy, i want her to tell me that's my girl you did it, you fucking did it like i always believed that one day you will. i wanna cry, why do we need to belong why do we have to why do we keep doing that, wanting to be noticed and seen, my brain is gonna explode from ruminating things over and over, i just am afraid that i will never make it, because years are passing by and you just look back at your past and feel nothing but regret. i am gonna explode i swear i sswear just liffe is so fucking tragic. how do they laugh and pretend? i wanna rip out my brain and throw it in the sea.

08/05/2022

writing this while listening to the sound of silence-a cover by disturbed
yesterday I felt the need to socialize, because i'm well aware that not socializing for a great deal of time will eventually have a negative effect on me. there was a debate club at our city, where you can just go there for free and debate with people. So i told mom that i'm gonna go study somewhere, yes i lied because she wouldn't let me if i told her, she would say, you have to study your exams are coming, and she is right, but if i stayed at home and not gone there, i would have prolly drowned in my despair and haven't studied anything, i lied for my own sake. it's okay to lie sometimes.
it was a rainy day, and i went there nevertheless, waited for the bus to come. and then walked like 1km to get there. the debate was supposed to be about transportation, but they changed the topic, also there was some well-known artist there, i honestly was impressed, and he earned my respect for that. actually i think we are all normal people, including the famous ones, they are just known by more people than us, and that doesn't make them special in anyway, what makes you special is the thing that you do that distinguishes you from other people, like this person for example, he sings. and also he has produced some very good music, has a unique style, and he came to the debate club apparently because he wants to improve he's communication skills in english, because the debate is in english, and by the way english isn't my first language prolly i mentioned it before, nor is it my second language but i desperately i want to get better and improve my vocabulary, so that one day i can be able to write something and publish as you know, i really like to write and express what's in my mind in words, even more than expressing it in any other art form. so going back to the debate, they gave us some sort of questions somewhat deep, it was like a therapy session. i felt like there's was some sort of attention on me, i guess i nailed it when it comes to expressing my opinion, as i listen carefully to everyone, well i try to at least and try to understand their point of view, and just you know, speak honestly about what i think. i mean there were some annoying people out there, but i tried not to look at them that way, each person has something about them, you know, something distinguishable and if you look deep enough you will be able to see it, society forces everyone to prove who you are, because if you don't do so, no one will see you, that's why some people are never seen when if you know them enough, you will discover that they are actually beautiful and creative creatures. i don't know maybe I'm wrong but, what I'm saying, is like no one needs to prove who they are, and we should not only give attention to those who try prove who they re. like let's give attention to both. there was someone there, overweight, but he was really good at english, but apparently no one likes him there, but from what i've seen he's a decent person that is not seen but he was trying to make people see him. which is not wrong at all, if the world doesn't see you and no one have made the effort to see you then, then YOU SHOULD MAKE THEM SEE YOU. that's all i guess. i felt good after the debate, and i didn't regret going there instead of studying. i needed that interaction with other people, to realize that i'm not the only weird fella out there, but no for real, we were all weirdos debating. lol.

13/05/2022

I walk, and observe. Luxurious cars, superficial individuals, a chaotic world and in the midst of it all there i remain. I wonder whether i will ever fit in there, ride that classy cool car, get annoyed of the traffic and pretend like I'm a grown up while losing every sparkle left from my childhood that makes me me, drown deep down in the sleep-walking masses realm. today i felt for the first time like a grown up, someone who has to be responsible for their own actions, there is only myself to blame, for everything wrong i do, from now on, i and only i should be held responsible. i am scared and terrified.

14/05/2022

sometimes, the hardest thing in the world is taking shower, and it's even more harder if you have a long curly hair. i'm sitting alone in my mother's house, they all left, and tomorrow i ll leave, i don't wanna go back there, i just wish i can call mom and tell her that i'm fucking done, i am fucking done, i just cant' tell her, after everything, i just have to finish this, i just need to finish till the very end

15/05/2022

i think, i hate myself, so much.

16/05/2022

writing this at 10 pm while listening to Eminem-not afraid.
time flies by, you just don't realise it yet. you know what's the most important thing in my life? it's my family, they all wish i succeed this year, they all believe in me.i wish to succeed too, if a miracle happens and i suddently start to believe in myself because that's what's holding me back, sometimes, you just want to accept everything as it is, we only got one shot at life, it's not worth it to spend days and days staying on a couch and overthinking it, you just grow up, and you miss every chance you had been given each day to make yourself a slightly better human being, some day you will get hit by a car, or a bus and everything stop, nothing will matter anymore but you know what matters, NOW the thing you do now, are you honest with yourself? and with the people that care for you? are you trying to make yourself better and take accountability for your actions. i don't wanna live a life full of regrets, yes i'm alone, i might be missing out on a lot of things, my youth is going to fade throughout the years and it's fine because i will be spending them learning and working on a goal fighting daily dark thoughts, monotony,boredom and loneliness especially "loneliness". i'm going to die one day, and that's why i owe it to myself to do things that will make me flourish, sacrifice making cool friends and going to parties, because all of that fun won't matter when you are surrounded by the herd, pretending that you are happy that you only live once and then posting pics on social media for people who barely care about you, becoming brainwashed, indulged in earthly pleasures that have no meaning and will only destroy u in the long run.try it's never too late, it's never too late. it doesn't matter if you end up failing, what matters is trying, i read this passage before somewhere and it says:"When you're in the super vortex of being bummed your pattern of behaviour is keeping the vortex goin, that's what you're used to. Turning into productivity ultimate master of the universe doesn't happen from the vortex. It happens from a massive string of CONSISTENT NON ZEROS( doing at least one thing in a day that will make you closer to your goal that's what non zero means)"

21/05/2022

i've ran out of words. there's nothing left to say. not because there is nothing to complain about but because it's pointless. i give up on this world, not myself tho i will never give up on myself, but on the world, i do. rip world, i hate you so much, i hate all these people, the system everything.

22/05/2022

not much to say, things aren't getting better because i'm not getting better.

23/05/2022

i ve been thinking about relationships recently, and i think people always tend to be with someone because they are lonely and they don't care whether they click with someone or not, as long as the other person has this and that doesnt matter, it's all about what the other person have, if he is an okay person then everything else doesn't matter, i have to be with someone to escape myself, its like that. but i always tell myself to not fall for this. i remember why i had a crush on a person last year, i truly liked him, i mean okay he is smart and funny. but there's something else, each time we talk, we listen to each other, we communicate and i felt for a moment that that person is my soulmate, he sends me the right type of music, the right type of book-recommendation at that specific moment, the right quote. i am two years older than him, but he is mature. if for example you aren't psychologically prepared to be in a relataionship because you want to work on yourself so that the other person's life doesn't get messed up because of you, well thats fucking maturity. he didn't tell me that but i know, we talked and he has been struggling with a lot of mental health problems. he was nice, and treated me with respect. sometimes you feel like you have found the right person, you know you like that person but as long as you struggle to be with yourself, then using someone as an escape will eventually hurt them. i hope he doesn't forget me, and that i truly liked him as a friend. one time he asked me to go together to the hospital and witness an autopsy , but my stupid ass was like what's that, i mean i know dissection and all, we did it on a frong in nineth grade but i didn't know the term autopsy, so i was like huh? he explained that to me and then changed the topic, and i guess i ll never have the chance to witness an autopsy with someone i like on a first date ever in my life ._.

24/05/2022

the world is inherently broken, that's how it always been. but the thing is, the only thing you can do is keep trying to save yourself, because unfortunately no one will do it for you. Not your parents, not your family. no one.
i'm sitting in a chair, in my room, in my mom's house. thinking of what to write about... i like to go back home at around 18 so that i get to see the sunset, i drove home with 3 strangers we didn't get to talk much, only in the end of the trip the girl sitting next to me asked me what do i study, and then asked what i wanna do in the future, like what do i wanna become although i wasn't sure of the answer, i told her that i would very much like to do something technology and art related. i don't know what i meant by that, but it's like i'm mapping something in my head but don't know what it is. i mean i have a vision for the future but i cannot really see the full picture of it. our time on earth is limited, days pass by without even realizing it. it's good to have a vision, or at least hope that one you will become what you wanted to ever be, maybe more.

30/05/2022

writing this at 1:30 am while listening to little jars of blood by baby bugs.
well, i don't think i'm comfortable anymore with journaling here, i just have this fear that someone i know might read it especially that my internet alias is Pataki. when i decided to start this, i wanted it to be between me and people who i don't know and never talked to before, so that i don't get judged and such, people judge all the time. i ll just share the things that i want to share and write in my diary privately. thanks to all the anonymous people who sent me msgs, i read them carefully, and i appreciate the time you spent reading this mess. i downloaded this page so that i don't lose what i've written before. but i'm not gone completely, will be posting stuff for sure, but not this stuff, other stuff i feel like sharing.