07/03/2023

I'm extremely sick and tired of this world and of the person I am. for how long am I going to keep being like this? i don't like myself i don't like myself i don't like myself.. i don't even have the right words to describe how i feel, i'm utterly useless. i just cant do it anymore its so hard.

13/03/2023

generally when I go kinda early to uni and don't bring my laptop with me I tell myself maybe this is a chance to socialize, but for some reason no one approaches me, or when i see a group of my classmates i go and sit next to them, they usually don't pay attention to me, they never ask me questions, it feels like i'm not welcome, it's not like im being deluded i concluded this based on actual experience, plus mostly they be talking about shit that i don't have a saying in. i can't just be interested in something so futile. i went back home with this girl that lives around my neighborhood, i was daydreaming all the way and thinking about how all paths in life leads to death, death is something unavoidable. I will just do things, and try to be better at things, do what i'm expected to do, hoping that someday i can feel something, like loving myself and life, and having a completely healthy relationship with myself and others. of course he's gone, why else would he stay? if someone likes you enough i don't think they will miss the chance they ve got to be with you. if someone doesn't want you enough, let them go. not being tied to anyone is freeing, i am allowed to screw up anytime i want, i don't care, i'll just live my life the way i want, i will die anyway, we re all gonna day anyway so even worry when there's nothing to worry about? maybe the only thing i lack is vision and a good reason to do things with responsibilty, but i don't think of any reason at the moment and from here i can just live my life, live my fucking life. nothing interests me in people, i find whatever things the say is packed with lies. and its almost rare to find someone genuine.

"Do me this favor: Get out of bed every morning knowing that no one changes the world alone and no one doesn't change it at all. We are all exceptional and none of us are. And we are all lost...sometimes. So follow a path, any path...until you get to a place which you feel like you don't like...and then change your direction, because there's one thing you're making everyday no matter what you're doing and that is yourself. THAT is your job. And you must do it well."

15/03/2023

I really like my own company, very much. there's nothing that appeals me to talk to people. whenever I'm alone I like to observe my surrounding and think. occasionally though some dood would approach me and ask why am i sitting alone, what's wrong with sitting alone? in today's world they emphasize that we should socialize, but i'm just not interested, i socialized before but my energy gets drained everytime, socializing is overrated especially at school.

17/03/2023

I was suicidal for almost three days until I went to work today and was reminded by simple gestures and observation that I should remind myself that it will always get better, I think work has this immense capacity to heal me, i work hard, i don't mind it, i get tired but when i come back home paradoxically i feel energetic and motivated. people do things, they try, nobody's really sure about the world or themselves but they just do it, they try to be good at this game called life.