All i know is that I’m very sick, i haven’t written anything in quite a while, I lost all of my data, all of the old documents that i have written in the past few years, all the ongoing projects, etc… if there’s anything I learned about myself after these kinds of incidents… loss.. that is I do not do much reacting, my mind is doing it’s job very well in terms of protecting me to feel anything at all. totally numb. I am very in rage, to the point of not wanting to do anything about it except for writing down the thoughts that circle in my head. as strange as it may sound, I received the best editing award at a local film festival for my short film “ A Film Festival”, that night was so strange, meeting up with abdallah and everything else, people come and tell me “bravo” j’ai adoré ton film, they said it’s very simple and yet provocative, i don’t know what i’m supposed to say. I could never know. people are congratulating you. you get hit by the amount of people that comment on your facebook poster. people now know that you won the best editor award. it’s been a very long time, it’s actually been forever. I never really was “the best “; I got so accustomed to failure and being average to the point where I started liking it, if anything, I have learned from failure what I never learned from success. which maybe makes sense since I don’t consider I was successful much. I am an artist. an artist that is filled with anger, despise and hate. sometimes. other times, an artist that’s so full of light that she could bright up a whole city. it’s always swinging between these two extremes, never ‘in’ between. Sensory overload, a term I came across yesterday. here’s how it goes. people work, some work seriously hard but can’t afford it, some work seriously hard and can afford it, some can afford it because they want to. it’s good to go to a fancy restaurant and be treated like a boss, like a princess. it’s all for those twenty minutes of feeling like you are better than everyone else because you worked hard and now you’re getting served food by a server that’s probably less of an intellectual than you are, HE HAS to act in a certain way or else they can easily fire him at any time. people enjoy humiliating others. simply put. we see that when we get pleasure out of a dinner at a fancy restaurant. we want to be treated likes queens, and kinds. I decided to be an artist because I needed to understand, being an artist, observation is not something you decide to do or not, you should observe. to observe is to store then to connect then to either reach to conclusions or not. in most cases you will,. it’s very important to be artist if you want to be a better doctor/ architect/ engineer. it’s starts from the willingness to change to be able to actually partake in making the change
16th.
at this point, I don't know where I'm going with this life... today, It's the first time in three years I go to a psychologist, I decided to take some actions about my mental health, it's a matter of trying to understand myself, I've had enough of abuse in my life, I've had enough of feeling guilty and carrying the pain of others. pain to a certain desgree makes one feel numb and apathetic and one feels numb and apathetic they slowly become unrecognizable as human beings, they start to belong to the ranks of the sleepwalking masses. what I realized in the today's therapy session is that, you are not all alone, some people will cross your path, they're not necessarily your family, they will help you out, like this therapist, I'm going to be visiting her twice a month. and pay half the actual amount each time. I'm grateful what this life is giving me, I do have hope that one day I'll wake up and feel good about myself, feel that I'm worthy of love. i was thinking, maybe i should change the name of the website, but then i remembered that F, used to have the link to it. I honestly don't know how this website is restored after I deleted it. I wish he reads this, I wish we could stay connected at least in this way. I feel like F's memory will always be with me, I will keep bringing him up to every therapist I go to. F will always be part of me.