06/07/2023

I just came to the realization that tampoon is a thing.

14/07/2023

my heart is aching, it feels like it might explode anytime with all this pain that's bottled up inside me, the pain that only rises to the surface every once in a blue moon. my mind cannot fathom the complexity of being a human being and behaving like one. the pain either transforms to typed words on a screen or to tears mixed with heartaches, sometimes both like right now, i'm crying, overwhelmed by the weight pressing on my heart. I can't bear to see the people I care about suffer, especially those close to me. My feelings are muddled, but there's someone I like so much. He's pure and gentle, too good for this world. I wish I could hug him for five minutes to show him how much he means to me. I want to be a superhero, to save all the people I hold dear. Unfortunately, it seems like everyone I care about is struggling in some way or another. I must admit, I'm generally superficial, especially when it comes to liking someone. It's often ego-driven; I might like someone, but only if they possess qualities I envy, like intelligence, responsibility, creativity, or just seeing me for who I am, purely egotistical. But this person is different. He's just a regular guy, but unique in his own way, too good to be true. It's not idealization; I see a reflection of myself in him. He's like me, giving his all to those he holds dear, without any ulterior motives. I genuinely love him, and I want nothing more than for him to be happy, to lead a good life, and to be loved by someone who cherishes him without taking advantage of his kindness. I don't want the world to change him, or for him to change because of betrayal or neglect. I want him to be in control of his own growth, not influenced by society's expectations.
god if only I can put what i feel now about everything and everyone around me into words. I went to a coffee shop with bestie one today, and she had to go with me and leave her friends because she needed " a me-time with mate" i'm her mate, she calls me mate and i really like this nickname, because we are indeed mates. i feel special because i'm the only person that she can confide in with anything in her life, i can't handle the amount of love that i feel for her just for saying that, just for trusting me, just for thinking that i'm not self-centered as i think i am. JUST FOR SEEING ME THAT WAY. JUST FOR GENUINELY LISTENING TO ME AND CARING UNCONDITIONALLY. my thoughts are all over the place and i can't seem to find a way to make this whole thing a bit coherent. tonight, i had this tremendous fear and sensation that step dad is no longer there, he is no longer there. he was talking nonsense, and sometimes talking sense, i didn't know what to say, or how to react. i only started to feel pain, and cry, not in front of him of course. i'm so sorry mom, sorry that i have been so careless, so apathetic, so not there. if i could just become a superheroin, to save you from the chaos you are living in. i genuinly feel empathetic towards everyone now, suddenly, at some point i thought that i never really cared, about anyone, but now i do, and i feel, i guenuinly feel. i failed, this year too, for third time i fail, for the 7665 time, i failed once, i own it now, i truly failed this time and there's no going back.

17/07/2023

F loved me deeply, and even now, I struggle to understand why. It feels almost like a crazy dream or a delusion he'll eventually snap out of. and I didn't want to immerse myself in that dream because deep down, I knew it was just that – a dream, not reality. Maybe if I had convinced myself that it was right, I wouldn't have left him. though, I don't regret my decision. Still, doubts linger.
I was afraid that spending my life with someone for whom I didn't have romantic feelings would lead both of us to a miserable life. But then again, should we really put all our trust in butterflies and fleeting emotions? Those feelings tend to fade away with time, don't they? but coming to think of it, having them, at least in the beginning, is important, to give us hope that everything will turn out okay. F is one of the smartest people I've ever known, if not the smartest. He has a intelligent mind and shares similar views and values with me on so many things. He doesn't chase after material possessions or fall prey to consumerism. He is a complete person with his own sense of fulfillment. But for some reason, I felt that we weren't meant to be together. It's like I can't even recognize myself when someone claims to love me, because the version of me they love isn't even there.
I m going to be alone and complete my life this way, without regrets and without the burden of worrying about someone else's feelings. Being independent feels just right. Maybe someday, the right person will come along, and I'll recognize that it's more than just fleeting emotions and butterflies. Until then, I'm content with being on my own, shaping my life the way I desire.

18/07/2023

I sort of don't want to talk to C anymore, expecting a text form him is already hurtful enough. they say,if you have feelings for your friend, it's best to distance yourself from them for a while. i hope it works, although i don't feel like i want to talk to him anymore, having to ask how he is doing, and knowing that he is okay, like always and nothing beyond that is pretty unintresting, it's like everytime i talk to a robot, that answers the same answers . and asks the same questions, talking to him doesn't feel like it's genuine anymore, having to ask me how i'm doing doesn't feel like it's true, i feel like he just asks me how i feel, or what did i do, not because he is truly interested, but because he feels like he should ask me that, since we have been friends at some point, and now it's nothing but a habit. i might be selfish or whatever, but i truly loved him, even thought of working so i can save money to travel and see him, but i guess i'm not as important to him. i'm just that thirld-world country girl he got to knnw on discord, that filled the void for some time, and now that he has friends, there's no need to have her anymore.
coming to think of it, it's not his fault really. it's just how things are, i can't control how he experiences feelings. i just don't want him in my life anymore, i don't want to feel pain, it's not like it matters anyway. if i knew that its gonna lead to this, i would have probably figured something else to do with my time, instead of talking to someone, just to fill the void. i might regret this, but i really don't want to talk to him, i don't even miss him anymore, i don't care, i don't care. today i realized something, that in order to be my friend, you just have to be genuine, a good listener, and just a human being. that's literally what i'm asking for. today, i made a new bestfriend, a male one, S, he is, gentle, vulnerable, and i feel like i really want to help him, it's not like i'm pitying him, i genuinly feel like he deserves everything good in the world, and i want to be so strong, and so powerful, to hellp him be powerful too. for the first time, i want to be the good listener, i want to listen to him, talk about anything, i want to care. i feel like my ability to write, and think clearly is diminishing, sometimes, i feel like i'm really retarded, good for nothing and slow learner, i'm not writing this for anyone to read, in fact i don't give a shit, i just want to write for myself, to record things, to understand.

21/07/2023

tonight, I swear, I felt truly alive, detached from everything that keep me down. last night i had suicidle thoughts, i couldn't stand the pain that's weighing on my chest. the dread of being alive. but i guess, there's a hell lot more to life. i'm thankful i got to know S. he is gentle, simple, kind, and most importantly, genuine. sometimes, friendship is as simple as having people who are just genuine, you don't need to be cool or smart or whatever. this encourages me to be myself too. to hope that i will not be judged, that i might be judged by some people. god i need to be strong, to protect them, my friends, my heroes.

23/07/2023

dear F,
from now on, I'm going to be writing to you, even if there's a chance you're not reading them, which is most likely the case. tonight i realized how much i appreciate knowing you, and how much i truly love you, i kinda use the word love randomly these days here's what i mean by I love You : i want to be there for you, i don't want to hold your hand when we meet but i want to be there for you, listen to you, i don't want to give you a kiss, but i want to be someone you can rely on, someone that can understand you, because i know you, god if you just allowed me to know you, without all the romantic love and crap. romance is such a flawed concept. i ll talk at length about this later, but for now, I want to ask a question? why did we have to be together in that way? why didn't you just say, M let's not get too close, you are much wiser, much smarter, why didn't you think about the possibilty of us splitting up again, me an you are not meant to be together in that way, why didn't you allow me to just be your friend? i wanted to be your friend, not your romantic partner, maybe we could ve became that way, but it takes time to be someone's romantic/life partner, and it's okay if we don't get there, there would still be the friendship that we worked so hard to build. to me friendship is more valuable than anything in the world, but you were too selfish, you wanted a girlfriend, but all i wanted is a friend, i wanted to be your friend, but you never allowed me to. but i want to be friends with you, i trust you enough for you to be my friend, that's why from now on, i'll be adressing everything to you, writing to you. hoping that you somehow used your brain to understand how neocities works and to go to the /activity to see the updates so that maybe you can stumble upon my profile, that's if you figured that i didn't delete the website, but instead changed the url.

25/07/2023

dear F,
While typing the date, I just realized that my best friend's birthday is in two days.
I find myself experiencing an uncomfortable feeling, such as the sorrow of losing something dear, mourning over what once held significant meaning. It's a natural part of life - we meet people, enjoy their company for a while, but as they navigate their own paths, they encounter new individuals and begin to appreciate their companionship, eventually growing tired of us and our imperfections. Sometimes, we persist in trying to maintain the connection, but it can reach a point where finding a replacement becomes the only solution. It's painful to accept that there will come a time when I might feel like I've had enough of someone in my life too, making it difficult to form new connections on a deep level.
last night, I had a conversation with my friend about possessiveness, and he asked if it's a bad thing. I told him that indeed it is. I used to be possessive, but I'm not sure if I've learned a healthy way to deal with it.
My fear of abandonment has led me to abandon people in the past, and the fear of someone else developing that fear of abandonment towards me has also caused me to distance myself from them.
The other day, when I mentioned not wanting to talk to "C" anymore, I'm uncertain if I truly meant it. You see, he has seen me for who I am, and I cherished the feeling of being close to someone who accepted me as my authentic self. But now, it hurts because I'm convinced that he no longer feels the same way about me. That's why I don't want to talk to him anymore, fearing that any communication would lack genuineness on his part and that he'd only do it out of obligation. Sometimes, distancing ourselves from people seems like the only way to avoid getting hurt.