03/06/2023

“in fact, the friendship only really existed by association.” I feel like that’s how friendship should be, It should only exist by occasion, your lifelong friend is yourself. If you sacrifice your alone time for the sake of the other, that will eventually go away and find a replacement to you, is nothing but a disgrace to your own time. Life is all about yourself, and how can that self do things and evolve to be something of your own lifelong making, it’s a process, you will many times think that you finished and that this is the final product, most of the time you ll end up disappointed, you don’t like the version of you that you shaped so much, you might think that it’s best to smash it and turn it into ruins instead, but the thing is, the sculpture doesn’t have a deadline, not a deadline you know of at least, so why destroy it when there’s a possibility that it might turn into a masterpiece, that it might change things, in you and maybe the world? I’m growing to be a distant and cold person, I really believe in what I’m capable of doing and becoming, I want to be better than everyone at what I like doing, I want to be the best at it that no one can beat me, I want to be looked at and admired, I want people to take me as an example, I want to raise to the point of being unreachable, I want to be powerful. I want to be so smart that you can never dare to outsmart me. I want to be a good support to those who need me, and deserve it. “We’re all friends with other people because we are scared to be alone, sometimes thats all there is to it” but just sometimes, Otherwise, it turns into dependency,At times, we're too afraid to be alone, and it can be quite scary. Last night was scary for me, unbearable even. Yet, here I am, feeling different now.
I really need to stop wasting money, I work 9 fucking hours, I get my energy drained, I waste my time doing something that won’t benefit me much in the long run.

11/06/2023

I don’t know for how long I am going to persist, sometimes the idea of just keeping myself alive seems really impossible, too hard, too much effort and for what? To get betrayed by people you thought have seen you and loved you for who you are, to be abandoned by them, to see all your dreams perish before your eyes, what kind of world is this? Is it really worth it? I don’t know how can people go on

12/06/2023

I woke up at nine today, last night I felt like I don’t like this me anymore, that I should cut my hair and turn into a new person or at least start the process. I hate that people think I’m nice. I hate to be thought of as nice, nice is plain devoided of anything meaningful, imagine someone describing you as nice. Just n i c e

14/06/2023

Cloud went to the silent retreat with his friend-a woman. i thought he was going alone, goddamit. I feel like I’m starting to miss him already, I think I love that man, I really do, and there’s nothing I can do with the feeling, I wanna talk about so many things today, but I’m too damn tired, too fucking tired and wanna kill myself.

18/06/2023

bestie3:"and i told myself, damn, she is one of the best things that happened to me this year"