05/01/2023

it's january 2023 already, isn't it just insane? the whole world i mean, sometimes i really forget this, i feel this thing, it's like my soul isn't here and i rarely seem to notice this, where is my soul?
i went back home today with the companionship of a classmate, in the train, sat an old fella next to us and started talking about how important is to study, i'm not sure he was talking about learning, but more on studying as a means to getting a good job and a comfortable life, they just kept talking about all sorts of stuff, and i was listening to every word they were saying, my classmate was arguing with him, i was really surprised because they aren't the arguing type-not with grownups at least-, and at the last station the old man finally left, so my classmate turned and said "brain damage, eh?" and i wasn't really sure what to say, it's like im expected to feel like the conversation was pointless and the old man was nothing but a boring grownup claiming to know everything about life, but that wasn't exactly what i was thinking, i was actually enjoying listening to two people from different generation arguing, but didn't have an opinion nevertheless. i don't have opinion on much stuff, that's what makes me think that i'm a very boring person, why would someone enjoy my company if i'm like this, empty? i haven't used this word -empty- in maybe two months or less? i'm not sure, but haven't used it in quite a while, i'm not saying it's who i am, but i would say, the adjective empty describes the majority of what i am like. the other day when i said, i know where i'm headed in life, i don't really know if that's true or not, judging by the way i feel now. in every person i meet, i can't help but ask myself when will they get to know me and finally leave, it's like i know the time is going to come, and it's soon. i want to be loved, not admired, or liked, i want to be loved and truly cared for, not out of pity, but out of love. and what is love anyway?

13/01/2023

between us is the cringiest name, the fuck is between us anyway? and who is even us? i have so many things to talk about, oh the name, the site was named patakisdownfall record before, there's comfort in downfall, it's like you are not lying to yourself, i just keep falling to pieces over and over, not that's a bad a thing, there's a comfort in falling, falling sets me free from expectations. i went to work today, a custumor said "et mademoiselle, vous êtes très gentille" to me, we didn't have many customers today, the owner of the café comes pertty much everyday to check in, she looks like a badass, just young and pretty cofident, she sits at the window seat, orders a salad, and do her work, then reads after she finishes from working, she would take some time to post stories on her edgy instagram. i had to work with this really weird person, maybe weird doesn't give justice to how much of a confusing person she is, i don't wanna use adjective such as mean, or rude, or bossy, or whatever, she is just a fucking weirdo? that she gives me anxiety whenever i talk to her, she is so confident, the way she stares, the way she does her stuff, i don't know, how can someone be that confident? don't tell me oh she might be just like that on the outside, well it doen't matter what she is on the inside, if her outside servers her better. i ve never been confident, and i don't think i ll ever be, i'm just too childish on the inside, too pure, too dumb, too fucking silly, too nice, too kind, too stupid. i just don't argue at all, i don't mind anything at all, i just exist. lots of things could have been much easier if i wasn't born in that stupid place, with those retards, now i just see people around and don't help but wonder, am i a fucking autist?

17/01/2023

last night I had this dream, where I somehow got selected to go compete in a reading competetion In Dubai, I felt really happy, it's like I'm finally going to experience flying for the first time, that I finally get to experience life somewhere else. when I woke this feelinf stroke me, it's like I need to do something, to be someone. it's more like I know that if I just allow myself to be creative, and to exploit that faculty i could make great things, and this applies for anyone else who has a functioning mind. I think we all got to do something right, to go far in something, because that not only will bring us satisfaction and fullfilment but will also acceptence and respect. Eat or be Eaten, accept that this is all a competition, that the strongest, the smartest will always win and if not they will most likely find a way to get through life, to truly live.

25/01/2023

do you think bullying stops in high school? welp wait until they call you autist in college

29/01/2023

today one of my coworkers (someone who always acts all tough and barely likes anyone)told me that he felt happy when he had seen the schedule the other day and found out we're scheduled together, i think my coworkers like me because i'm agreeble and nice which is the synonym of just exist and obey. to be honest i don't find a problem being like this, i don't wanna take anything personally, if anyone ever says anything mean to me, i don't wanna act like im offended just because i have to stand for myself, i don't care what people say to me, tho im not really sure whether it affects. me either ways, its just a waste of time to react, i'm just a passive person and i like it.