09/02/2023

I'm completely confused, why are people so fucking stupid? it just doesn't make sense to me, sometimes i start to doubt myself, why are they like that, everytime i sit in a group i just listen to them talking shit behind their backs, and then when they meet with that same person they talk about someone else's back. I'm having headaches, jesus christ, i have never, in my entire life dealt with such retardedness. I swear i can't go on like this. I feel like the moment you step out of your damn fucking house you put a persona, that's what i do lately, i put on a damn crazy persona to belong, i know i don't have to do that and stay true to myself, but it doesn't work in this damn world, at least by doing this, i can protect my own world and myself from getting hurt. i'm so fucking sick. the thing is, most people lack principles, they just, though their existence is meaningless and absurd. "being too much aware of things is an illness, a real, genuine, illness."

18/02/2023

when you allow someone to be something in your life, you're automatically open to the possiblity of getting hurt by that same person, you are allowing yourself to someday get disppointed, or worse of all: regret. it's nice to feel, to experience real emotions with someone, not just any someone, but someone you think is worth all the risk you put. what matters is that it all feels real now, that's the only thing that counts.

25/02/2023

there's something ugly about those with weak personality, it's even pointless to defend themselves unless they wish to seem like a clown. strength is something to be learned, it comes slowly, sometimes it will feel like you will never reach that point where you actually feel like a god/goddess, but you need hope.
hope, and what is hope anyway?
I just googled it and this is what I got : "hope is having faith, optimism despite the odds, perserverance through pain, everything will workout in the end."
How can we live our lives without hope, imaging meeting someone that you enjoy their company for a first little while then things will start to get serious, you feel tied to this person, every day passes by it becomes a responsibility to maintain this whatever thing you have created together, and will both hope, hope that everything is going to workout in the end, that you will never despise each other that you will be together despite the hardships. now imagine if this idea of hoping didn't exist, how can we go on, how can we perservere? how can we maintain anything?
in everything we do in life, we hope, I hope too, for a brighter future, a future where I reach the place I want to reach, where I become strong, like a goddess. i don't wish to stay weak, it's frightening, almost like a nightmare. for me, it's either give up on life altogether or adapt, adapt to the circumstances you never really chose, no one chooses anything, everyone is privileged in one way or another. you can't be weak, you can't be weak forever. you must try, you must try even if you risk appearing like a clown, a silly stupid clown. you will get there, someday, if you try, move around, do something for yourself and maybe for a better world.
there's something common among people who are disconnected, the ones who chose suffering instead of conforming, suffering will give rise to an essential human element, one that's rarely found among the sleepwalking masses, genuineness and authenticity that is. it's really beautiful to have a conversation with someone with such a trait, it almost makes me want to cry because of how beautiful it is, it happened to me lately with first, a person that entered my life who is trying to become a part of, and i think he succeeded. it only takes one to be authentic to take a part in my life, I don't ask for much, although coming to think of it truly is a much, the reason is that it's almost rare to find such a quality in a person. last night we were walking together in a path that leads to where I live, trees and houses were surrounding us, strangers from other species giving us company, cats to be more specific, he told me that he realized that conversation with those who don't use social media, or don't post on there much is meaningful and authentic, being a social being will lead you to lie, to go out of your ways to belong, and now we're doing this but in another dimension, a 2-d kind of world, a world of ones and zeros. most people are becoming more and more disingenuous, that having a real, genuine conversation with someone is almost a privlige.
my other encounter is when i had to go home with my Montage professor, She is an experimental Artist, a single woman of 40+ of age, living alone. we talked about life, and suffering, cinema, and sophie's world. I admire strong figures such as her, it takes strength to live, and still be a non-conformist, a great strength, one that I don't think I will ever have, because I'm scared, of suffering, of loneliness, and despair.

27/02/2023

i don't get jealous, you know if you tell me about a girl or whatever it's like i'm supposed to be jealous so i act as i am expected to, when in reality i'm not. i don't care about the girl all i care about is you, i like to listen to you talk about all sorts of stuff even girls, i don't want you to expect me to get jealous, i just don't get jealous love has hurt me in many ways, it made me weaker, they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but my old love made me weaker, the weakest person alive. there's a saying from a movie that i watched recently "I intend to make my own way in the world" and i truly intend to make my own way in the world, i don't want love to get in the way,love makes me dependent and i don't want to be dependent. love makes me fragile, love needs an effort, an energy i don't think i can provide, not with this tired soul, I have fallen many times, i'm a broken person and i'm working so hard to not fall again, to stick the broken pieces together. i think i will spend the rest of my life alone. i don't think i can bear the responsiblity of maintaining a relationship, i don't want to even get there. i'm so scared, i want to save myself, i don't want to lose myself in you even though you say don't think for me, i know that one day you ll come to me, will confess how tiring it is to love me. on that day, you wouldn't hesitate to give up on me.

28/02/2023

I'm thinking of dropping out of college, this time I don't think I will ever be back. the first time I experienced the feeling of "knowing" things the world I don't think i once changed my mind into thinking that learning was never worth it, i think from that day i promised myself to never stop learning and I don't think I will ever do. the thing is that college is getting in the way of my learning experience, I'm just following the herd, conforming that is. my decision is based on many factors, they say that college is the place where you will be making a lifelong friends, i made some, but the whole experience of socializing hasn't been pleasant, let alone the learning experience. sitting in a chair for more than two hours barely learning anything, what a waste of time that is. it's not about changing majors, i think cinema is the best field that's suits my wants and needs however i can't do this college thing anymore, not because it's hard, but because i feel like i'm wasting my life, working at the café taught me lots of things, you dont't need a damn major to be good at anything, if you put your heart into something you will most likely someday be great at, people will come to you, you will get profit from that thing. I want to live, i want to experience life fully, NOW, if there's something i valued from the last three years of my life is that time is priceless, I will never be 18,19,20 or 21 again. i don't think i wasted my life, i think every decision I made tells something about me, and where i should be heading from here. i hate college. I'm not a college person.
or maybe i should once in my life commit to something ? try hard in something, do my best in something, uni isn't that bad come to think of it, i got to know some beautiful souls, and maybe if i allow myself i can know more people that may inspire me or change my life in someway? maybe. if it wasn't uni i wouldn't've got to know Mme nicène, i can do it if i persist. worst case scenario is that failing this year, which mean will graduate at the age of 24. if i don't then i will probably graduate at the age of 23. i can try to save time, i can still do my utmost best. it can open doors, so why leave?