16/02/2022

you know what i like about coffee, is that it amplifies my ability to think, distinct thoughts, makes things happen, makes me move, do things, doesn't matter what, but just do things. it makes me feel ethereal. you know what i hate about myself, is that i learn things slowly, you have no idea how much am i eager to learn new things, to expand my brain, reach its full potential, but im just too slow and everyday i feel like im dragged by this thing, they call it depression, but the definition might differ from a person to another, the thing is my brain is full of stuff, buzzing with silly yet great thoughts, that's the thing about my brain, it's a fucking mess, i just hate to make everything about myself, im so preoccupied by myself, why can't just be preoccupied with the world outside of my being, the existence of things that is excluded from the idea of me I also think that discord is the best thing ever, and Instagram, Facebook Twitter are the worst stuff to ever happen the thing, my brain have this ability to detect what's wrong, but cannot do anything about it, it can sense it, and oh gosh do i like being silent, silence, silence is fucking great , they don't know that if i get there i can kill myself, they don't fucking know the fear and indecisiveness of whether to do it or not, being like this is fucking better than anything else, i just hate society so fucking much and hate to be a part of it, i seek understanding and connection with people that understands because those are the ones who r going to make you learn stuff about yourself the thing about pain is that it makes you see things the ones that lack the ability of suffocating barely notice

27/02/2022

the thing is, I am sad, and college is the reason for that, in fact I have always been sad when i go to school, I've always hate people around me when i go there, they have always been insincere and competitive, i just know that, because i can't be myself around them. I have always thought of myself as a weirdo, because I just am a weirdo. i think differently and act differently sometimes i even feel differently. i know different doesn't necessarily mean bad, but with the way i am, i'm just not welcome. or maybe i don't like to be welcome in the outside world. i hate the outside world, i hate that i have to wear masks to conform, i hate everything that everybody made me feel. now I'm stuck in the godforsaken place, small town, quite not much stuff going around here, i just have to wake up at 8 everyday from monday to friday, go to school learn nothing and wait for the weekend. I have zero motivation to do anything. in the last couple of days, i've been thinking about creating something cool like the websites i see on here and i just made one, people can come here. and read the stuff i write, even though it's nonsense and not artistic in anyway. maybe there are people who feel the same as me, maybe there are people who are like me.