26/12/2022

after a while from deciding not to write here anymore, I started to feel like im missing something, the same feeling i get when i dont talk to a friend in a long while, it feels like i missed talking to you, even though i know nothing about you, but maybe i do, you could be my mirror actually, or something, idk. the reason i renamed my website again is because i shared it with some people i know when i deleted the diary, and now that it's back, i cant feel comfortable writing here when i know they will be reading my diary, not that there's something wrong with them, in fact the people with whom i shared this with are my close friends, but the thing is, this is like an intimate space between you -the stranger who is reading this, and me. i think that's intimate enough. Life Updates: you know i started working as a waitress in a café, this week i worked four times and will be working one time next week, it gets tiring few hours before my shift ends, sometimes exhausting especially when i work with mean coworkers but it's not the worst work experience ever you know? cuz sometimes we have really nice customers with whom i have interesting convos, i get to eat nice food every now and then etc.. i will hopefully keep you more updated from now on, i really missed writing on here.

29/12/2022

i'm surely at a better place in my life now, maybe not, but it doesn't matter since i don't feel like before anymore, i used to not feel like doing anything for days, i used not to know where i'm headed in life, i used to feel stuck, that i'm not meant to be in this world, or to have that kind of life, but now my vision is clearer, now i can see, now i can say that i'm filled with ambitions and hope for the future, that i'm open to growth, and to paving my own unique path, now i wake up in the morning and can't wait to get ready to get out of bed to walk the path that i chose. "it gets better, believe me", and it's true, it has definitely gotten better, maybe it's gonna get worse again, but that's not today, today is surely better than yesterday. my inner self can't help but think of the downside of this though, that i'm becoming less empathetic, that i hardly feel someone else's pain, that i'm not a good friend, not anymore, i used to feel my friends before, understand their struggles and reassure them, now i'm more prone to giving them advice on how to actually get out of their misery, even tho i know that an advice won't change much, that everyone has their own unique way of escaping the temporary trap they have involuntarily walked into. this brings me to question whether i genuinely care about my friends? do i really count them as friends? but what's a friend to me? all these questions arise now cuz i feel helpless, cuz i can't really help my friends, cuz when i was trapped they were there to offer help, to listen and most of the time, they were the reason i got out of there, or contrubiuted to getting me out of there.
i'm still questioning why i'm back to posting here, the thing is, i don't think i'm looking for intimacy, i don't think i really care much that people read this, maybe i do, but that's not the reason why i'm writing here, this might sound shallow but, it's easy to write on a keyboard than in an actual notebook, that i can also have access to this website wherever i am, it feels really nice to have access to these diary entries whenever i feel like it, and it's kind of rewarding to see that i journaled at least once every month, i can't wait to write more in the next year, writing here is helping me to understand and most importantly to connect with myself, and i'm really thankful for having the means to write here whenever i feel like it. social media are a pain in the ass and i'm slowly getting away from them.

30/12/2022

the desire to be someone else's one and only, to be special to just one person, when times get dark, you know they are there, with you, in the darkness, you are never alone, it will never be lonely and scary when they are around. i search for this soul within every person i connect with, but i feel like that im no way close to them, that there's no point in all of this, there's no point in looking and analyzing and worst of all, hoping. it only makes me weaker and deviates me from my path that i worked so hard to pave. they are still far away from me, don't let this make you weak, don't let it deceive you.