13th.
02.08.2025
I was watching a film earlier, and I figured I should make a film, there’s nothing in this whole world stopping me from doing so. by 27, I should be making a feature length film, not a documentary, a fiction film, I hold the responsibility to do so, an hommage to life. to all the people I’ve come cross, to all the people that I loved. to my family, and especially, to my family.. something about Y.C, is that he reminded me of F? I have fallen in love with someone I barely know. But I believe that what I felt the moment I saw him. I feel like me and youssef are going to cross paths again. we should.
06.08.2025 at midnight :
“ even if he doesn’t mean to use you. “ there’s a thing about being “evil”, is that you are not aware you are one, or you could be aware, but inside of you, you don’t. I don’t think anyone wants to feel guilty, guilt is the most painful feeling anyone can feel. most of the people we think badly of, narcissist, annoying, etc, the don’t mean to do you any harm, and in not meaning to do any harm, they end up harming us. what’s tricky about being aware of this, is that you don’t 100% blame someone when they hurt you. today at 6 am, i took myself to a
06.08.2025 at 10pm
the moment you realize that you’re such a horrible person, i think it’s very important to feel guilt, i’m a piece of shit actually. when we hurt someone physically, we go to jail. i figured that most people that harm others and end up in jail, they never really mean to, that’s why if you ask them while in there they’ll deny what they did, they lie, even themselves don’t believe what they did to others, that’s the thing about being a human being, you can do something really bad, you could just do something bad and you’ll end up in prison, we never go to prison for hurting people, or for a manipulative behavior, all of us make mistakes, we fuck up. the pain i caused firas, the pain i cause firas, the pain i caused firas, how can i live my life knowing how fucked up that way, playing with his feelings, yes it wasn’t intentional, it’s never intentional and that’s the very fucking problem, i love this keyboard it’s helping me to type, i love it, it’s so smooth. “The potential for evil lies in the same soul as the potential for good. Given the right social conditions, ordinary people can commit unthinkable acts.” I’m not a saint, maybe the biggest problem of them all, are the people who think they could never do harm, because all they want is to do good, and blame others that do harm. this is so silly if they just know better, this is in fact the most dangerous thing, to never be aware that you are not a saint, that you can go to prison at any moment for committing horrific crimes, “The brighter the light, the darker the shadow.”
07.08.2025
baha called me earlier, we talked for like an hour. it’s good that nothing happened between me and him, I feel like I may have gotten bored and totally uninterested, it always happens when someone loves me a bit too much. God i just love this keyboard; so yesterday, I bought a new laptop, finally, a gaming laptop, I was a bit disappointed as the keyboard and the whole laptop’s design isn’t really for gamers, corporate and boring, the keyboard doesn’t even have a backlit keyboard. HOW BORING. I’m planning to publish a book this year, I want to have it as my graduation accomplishment or something. i’m going to focus fully on my studies this year, focus more on learning and especially improving my language skills, french, italian and English. should make a plan to learn italian, by next year, I should be somewhere else on this planet
08.08.2025
for some reason, Nourhene has crossed my mind, my ex roomie the second year I attended engineering school, Nourhene is a very simple girl, and a very smart one. she listens and understands. she used to wear a lot of black, all with her black hair, and black eyes, she was a bit sombre, very melancholic, and extremely giving. she used to lay on her bed a lot, study in bed, eat in bed, we had some things in common, when it comes to cleaning for example, we only clean when the room gets seriously messy. we both showed signs of depression, we both play league of legends, I don’t remember what food she used to like, but I remember we both earth indomie, pretty much all the time.
10.08.2025
Will I become this kind of person when I read more : well, nihilism and pessimism are just a phase you undertake when you are sixteen or seventeen. I feel like shit, I had a bad day, I wasn’t feeling good. It started with bad service. I have been thinking about that guy that I met three days ago lately, how the conversation was nice, how scared I was. at times I didn’t know what to say, and usually I would force myself to say something so that It doesn’t feel awkward. but I think I’m not that kind of person, well not totally, but I feel like, I’m just not that kind of person anymore. I don’t try, even if the person is really nice, I don’t try for things, I simply don’t. I’m too tired. of trying. I’m too tired of pleasing. I’m too tired. of
12.08.2025
So now, I wake up at 7, and sleep comparatively early. I start my day early, but for what? In the morning, it’s hard to let your thoughts go away, the dreadful thoughts. a week ago, i stumbled upon this guy. the way we made it to a 2 hours talk at a café was really smooth. We saw each other one early morning at the beach. Then on the same day, we crossed paths when I was going to this café, we had a little exchange of conversation at the end of which we agreed to meet on that very same day. He is a psychology student, taller than me, has curly hair. and a very nice smile, his eyes close as he laughs, he pays for me? which I find it a bit odd. he’s not at all rigid, he listends and understands very well, which is honestly not surprising for a future therapist. I haven’t thought about seeing the moon for a very long time, or sunset for that matter. but this encounter has sparked something in me. it’s so strange how things start in august. with Issam and abdallah. it started in august and died in spring. I don’t know if there’s anything that is happening with this this guy, we only met twice. but yesterday when he told me he can make it to our second meet up, i felt a bit sad. after half an hour he changed his mind. which I found a bit add, but considering the fact that his grandfather is on his last days, I didn’t really think about it. he likes mushroom. smokes crystal. I told him “ jeddi bka yetkayf ken crystal hyetou lkol” he laughed and said me too, which I considered funny. he seems to be a really good person. and I shared with personal stuff. I didn’t think about what I should be sharing much, as it was all flowing. some times, we would stay silent, and I would take a sneak peak at him, or parts of him. his hands are nice. they have veins showing, he keeps mentioning things that are really nice, then would say maybe we should do that together? maybe we should watch your film together sometime. maybe we can try that place, or watch that film, I like that we can do a lot of things together. and he just seems to be a very decent person. and I’m starting to think about him. often.
13.08.2025
“l7amass m3abi ma7abitch nabta 3lik” “t7eb nwasslk?” “tkhaf mel kléb ?”15.08.2025
I sent him a text, asking how he is doing, yesterday at almost 9pm. He didn’t reply. the day before yesterday, we went to feed the dogs together, a family of dogs, the mother, the father and their two songs. one looked like a caramel and the other like a brownie. I suggested we go early, so we can also see the sunset. we sat in the sand for a while, i wanted hug him the whole time, his grandfather has passed away on the last day we met. when he told me I didn’t know what to say, or do. I’m so dumb. he is really nice. we sat between the rocks, I was expecting to see the sunset, but I guess we can only see it from the other side, we talked about things, shared two figs, and I wanted to hug him, but for some reason i coudln’t, until i put my hands on his shoulder, surrounding his upper back and laid my head on his other shoulder, it was a bit awkward; as if we both wanted that and we’re so glad it happened even though we’re both clumsy, when i first did that he kissed my forehead, almost. it was quick. I feel like I’m dumb. i don’t know how to consolidate others. the guy has his heart broken almost a month ago, and now his grandfather passed away. he is very empathetic, he doesn’t eat industrial eggs, or meat. he feels bad for the animals. it’s so sad. that i’m like this. I don’t know. you know what i feel like? empty, yet again. I stopped feeling like this a long time ago, and now it’s back, the feeling of inadequacy and not being good enough; questioning what I’m doing with my life. what did I learn from film school? did I learn anything at all? I’m I wasting my time, yet again? I think of him. I just feel so sad that I get to meet him now. I woke up at 4 am today, I don’t know what I want to do with my day. i don’t know what I like, I just feel like I need to learn some things to become slightly confident. GOD I JUST HATE MYSELF, what can I do, I’ll wake up, clean my room, take myself to the beach. watch the sunrise. and wait for the day I’ll just die and get it all over with. maybe I should let go, maybe I should let go;
16.80.2025
I beging to understand myself the more I get older, before I used to befriend this person, whose existence in my life didn't really add anything, except from becoming dumb. the more I talk to her, the dumber I become. at some point in my life, I started to think that I should go out into the world, because it's important to be "sociable" , it's important to network and know more people, and in this process, I became a completely shallow people pleaser. this person I'm telling you about, just uses my company, because I'm a + in her life, she doesn'r really need me,
18.08.2025 at 01:15v
he put his head on my shoulder as i look at the sea in front of me, he started stroking my upper arm, with his index finger, i put my head on his head, and i started to slowly cheek-bunting their hair, like cats do with their head to mark their territory and to show affection. as I did that, I started to feel. yeah. feel those nasty butterflies.
he smells like my grandfather. right after he collects honey from the bees.
19.08.2025 at 01:15v
I like this person, but I'm not sure about this. he has already managed to get himself into my mind and make me think about him. I don't know.