06/08/2022

I very much like to write in here, i was thinking about switching to journal in a physical notebook but then i thought that a cant carry a notebook with me everywhere i go, as from time to time i like to read the thing i experienced in the past and reflect on them afterwards. each time i try to write i feel tired, and today is no exception, but i must write something, future me needs this.
i don't really remember when was the last time i wrote something or what i talked about even, but i'm going to give you an update on what happened in my life in the past 3 weeks or so, starting from today. I took my bestie and went to a geek/weeb event, the same event i went to 5 years ago and had my first depressive episode one week right after the event, i remember at the time how much i wanted to look cool, and be surrounded by cool people, making myself into music/movies that im not particularly interested in just to be THE COOL GIRL, i wonder why i always had this urge to be cool, is it because i was lonely? i think loneliness is always the case, i remember feeling like i dont belong anywhere so i molded myself into different kinds of shapes just so that i can fit it, things kind of changed a bit now, the most important thing to me is to be genuine, and honest with what you feel and the person you truly are, and even if sometimes i fail to be so, i remind myself more than often to sit with myself and reflect, cuz whats the point of living if you are always trying to be someone else, and hide the person you are inside, how would you feel if all your life is nothing but a bunch of lies and pretentiousness, would anyone care about someone like this? or even you, would you love yourself if you are this way? i can totally understand that most of the time it's not really a choice, when you feel like loneliness is consuming the hell out of you, there's no escape except from molding yourself into a different shape, even with this you will end up learning things, all of the experiences i ve been through shaped the person i am today, it was hard at time, but im learning and i can better manage them now.
i really feel tired but there are some other stuff that i wanna talk about as well, like love. LOVE is a very complicated concept if not the most complicated abstarct thing. some other time maybe. i need to sleep now, one last thing i wanna add, something i learned today, if you dont experience things chances are, you ll never be able to know what you like and what you dont, what kind of people you like to hangout with and what people to avoid, it's always about experiences, but you should bear something in mind, that not all experiences are worth trying, just use your reason.

17/08/2022

so today i drank alcohol for the first time, ordered cocktail "white martini"
writing this while lisetning to music meeting people from the internet, coming from reddit, connecting on discord and then meeting in real life. i wonder what made me go today, to the meeting, is it because i felt like i ll miss out on something if i don't go? would i lose the sparkle inside me if i go? wouldn't be weird to meet strangers and be friends with them, if i do have friends then why would i make other friends? am i that desperate?or was it just an excuse to wanna try drinking? are these people being real with themselves and each other? do they like me as a person and not just because im a female? after some thought i just concluded, if there's a chance to meet people, and just talk to them especially when i dont have anything else to do, why would i stay at home when i can go out and make friends? if it helps reducing social anxiety and making me more comfortable then why not? earlier i had this feeling, that i might die at any time, especially when you are living in a more or less unsafe place, you can get hit by a car when you are driving your bike, or get stabbed by a gangster when you are waiting for the train to come so that you can reach your destination. people live as if they have more to live, they are so sure that they wont die tomorrow or later on that day. i m writing this at 3:35am and i really feel tired, now i should go to sleep

23/08/2022

i wanna become a goddess. i feel like my brain is foggy, and full of thoughts, mom came to my room yesterday and then she kissed me from my forehead she asked me whether im happy that im gonna spend the next upcoming years with her since i ll be studying in the city mom is residing in, and yet i just am incapable, im not good at anything, i wont to be many things but i feel like i hate everything, i get bored when drawing or reading, hell even writing, writing isnt something i like, and i ve never been good at it, to write you need to read, and i dont read at all, everythying is boring and monotonous and lacks passion just like me, i cant bear the company of my own self and spend the whole summer by distracting myself from me i see people like things, but i feel like i like nothing; im just numb and devoided of feelings and passion. maybe if I keep trying, I will one day, genuinely like doing something that will help me feel truly alive. i want to see myself for once, and be proud of what the person i made.
boredom is my worst enemy.

27/08/2022

Ever since i moved here, life is actually getting better, i experienced things i never thought i would, not in my twenties at least. the day before today i took my bike at 7 in the morning and went to the beach, in a secret place not so many people know about unless the locals, i didnt find anyone there except from a middle-aged man playing with his dog, i wasnt sure whether to do or not, i was wearing my swim suit under my big sized pinky tshirt and cargo green pants, people here are kinda crazy, although the area where i live in most people are well off and open minded, but still there was no guarantee that a lunatic would see me alone and come freaking sexually abuse me, i dont wanna say i'm a courageous lady, i think i'm more like i just wanna experience this so bad and so im gonna day anyways sooner or later so lets just do it, whats the worst that can happen. i don't give a shit, if i die doing that thing, nothing will matter anymore and will not feel a thing. i should prolly write a note to my family telling them not to cry much about me and live their fucking life and make the most out of it because it would be such a waste of time to dwell on something. anyways and so today i took myself on a date in a nice café, took the train and spend few hours there working on an illustration of the goddess athena, since im working on a youtube video related to that. i will tell you all about youtube and what i ll be doing with my life soon, i just feel really distracted by the video and need to post it asap.
sometimes it gets really lonely.

28/08/2022

apathy has gotten the best of me. what do i want from him? why am i still holding on? why would i open discord to check whether he sent me a text? why would he send me a text, why would he suggest to watch something together? why me? he said he likes to talk to me, but for how long? its just a matter of time till we lose the connection we built, its no thing, and it shouldn't be, we are hundred miles away from each other, completely different cultures.. i am empty from now on, thats how i would like to describe myself, my mind is empty and foggy, i cant do things just because i enjoy them, i make a to do list for everything, im afraid i ll have to make a to do list for breathing one day, im afraid that that day might come, again. i look at the walls of my room, i look at the books piled up that i havent even read half of them, i look at my body parts, my hands, my fingers, wishint to disappear from this world, cuz i dont think i will be able to handle this for a long time. its gonna come that day, its gonna come.

I'm writing this while listening to ghost from the pasts by bang gang
i ve been really tired throughout the day because of my messy sleep. i came to say to my future self to just keep trying things, even if you think you dont like anything, trying might lead you to genuinely loving somethin. also 6000 views, people are actually taking a look at this lol
I really wish to isolate myself from everyone, and to just stay in my own nest not bothered by anyone, endorsed in books. it's really annoying me the fact that i keep switching between things, it's hard for me to read 4 pages from a book in a row, let alone a long facebook post, i feel like my mind is not working, or it is but slowly, that's why i'm waiting for uni, i need to start doing something, stimulate my brain one way or another, when people asks me do i like cinema, or why am i doing this, the only thing that come to my mind besides, i do not have another choice other than going back to that hell, is i just want to create things, or i just wanna do something that's art related. i really don't know, i feel like no matter what i choose the reason doesnt matter, what matters is the efforst you are willing to put into the thing that you chose in order to make everything right and not screw again