02/04/2022

we ve been here before and we survived it. a path is formed one step at a time remember. everyone is suffering in their own way, but the suffering is still suffering, don't hide from them, don't impress them. get the fuck up and face the world, the outcome doesn't matter, the important thing is that you try, you just try, consistently.
today is the first day of Ramadan, i was born in a muslim family so we celebrate it, although throughout the years, i stopped believing but ramadan is so special for me, and this year especially i decided to fast, well maybe just drink water and then eat at dusk. just like how we used to celebrate it except for the drinking water thingy, if you fast it means you dont eat anything from dawn till dusk. i ll always be celebrating it, its just so warm, its not as warm this year, because i'm alone and away from my family, this year it felt like nothing, or maybe a new beginning, i don't know. this week has been the worst, i didn't leave home since tuesday and i was so sad, sad is not the word for it, i was numb, just consumed a lot of tv shows, and rewatched anne with anne e, my favourite show, ever, the thing about anne with an e is that it's different, and the main character Anne is so beautiful, so vibrant and shiny, you just wish the depression will go, so that you can feel as alive as her, Green Gables, what a beautiful place, wouldn't be amazing if we werer born in the late 19th centuary?. so today i decided to stop this bullshit, to just stop it, clean my room and do the things that needs to be done, and just feel like a human again, this is not us, whatever the purpose of our existence may be, obviously is not to lay down and rot, it's beautiful outside if you allow yourself to see the beauty, i know it's hard, its almost as if i'm beating myself up, but we have to be stronger than this, and to be aware that no one is gonna save you, even your family they have their own issues this yours, your own life. fight for it. so i wanna show you my accomplishments today:

1)the before and after of cleaning my room	2) cooking my "Iftar" or dinner

I know it seems ridiculous but really some days i can't even get out of bed so this is an accomplishment, it's more than surviving, this is living.

03/04/2022 02:27

I just can't believe it's april already, april 2022.
i don't know what is it inside my head, maybe a parasite of some sort, it's just so intense, it keeps buzzing, disturbing. i just know, now i just know, it's my anxiety that's fucking everything or is it not? i just don't understand, sometimes i just be so passionate why do i fall, what is the reason for that, i mean maybe the self-deprecating behaviors, or i know maybe self hate, i just don't know why i don't believe in myself, i just don't know why, sometimes, it happens like once in a month i believe iin myself so much and then all of that hope in saving my life will just vanish, suddenly. life is a constant battle, i dont seem to be happy for once, just give me a month, only a month, or i don't know maybe two weeks to be happy, to feel good about myself, to be proud of who i am, to feel worthy of stuff.. it's all because of the fucking parasite.
listening to parasite by banshee.

listening to this song helps to stop the thoughts, but u can't just listen to loud music forever. you have to have a life. i guess

06/04/2022

it really is hard to carry on when every bit of hope in yourself has vanished, everyday is passing by without even getting hold of it.
so i went back to schooll talked to some professors if there's a chance i can pass the exams, so far no one refused so. the universe is giving me a chance and i shall take it, i wonder whether i'm doing my best or not, sometimes your best won't get you anywhere, well i don't think i'm doing my best but im doing the best i could do, or maybe not i don't know. all i know is that life will never get better or maybe it will sometimes and then get much worse it's a cycle, the phrase 'everything is going to be okay' is true but after it one should say 'and then it gets worse' and then 'everything is going to be okay' this loop will keep going till the day you lose your body and thereafter your consciousness.
23:42 on the same day while listening to lake by ronald faunte
it's strange, you just meet someone one day and while chatting you send them a picture and they reply to it with the word 'liminal', ofc your dumbass doesn't know what the hell is liminal so you google it and then you realize how perfect it describes the picture and every bit of emotion you felt while taking it. it feels great to be alive, other times not, but at least we got the chance to feel nice every once in a while.

07/04/2022

writing this around 6 pm, listening to comfortably numb-pink floyd
the weather is nice today, warm sun and all, i would like to describe how beautiful it is when you walk on your way to the campus restaurant and hearing the birds chirpping but i found this description "The chirps came in bursts, bringing a small smile to Hank's face(idk whose hank but replace it with pataki). The birds were calling to one another in that beautiful way they do, the songs coming from different trees along the avenue. If their music were visible it would be petals falling like rain, every shade of the spring flowers, a kaleidoscope for the soul." a mixture of my sadness with nature's beauty results in something melancholic yet nostalgic.

10/04/2022

I might be falling in love or something. or maybe that's not it, the thing is sometimes throughout your life you encounter some people then if you start to know each other you start to feel warm around them, safe, yes safe that's the word for it, and you don't wanna do anything except from appreciating their presence, even if it's not physical, what i mean by presence is their presence in your heart, as long as your heart carry a part of their soul inside of you, you can feel it, they are there and no one can change that.
I disabled all of my social media, only kept discord, not using it as much tho, i think i just need to take a break from everything, maybe for the next 2 months, try to focus more on my studies, it's important, i have to do my best if not for me then for everyone that cares about me, starting from my family to that friend of mine i met on discord, the coach of mental health friend, she's my friend now, because i like her and i feel comfortable telling her about anything in my life, she's honest and genuine, yesterday i was telling her about some stuff and then she was like are we the same person?, if you wanna know the truth i'm quite lucky when it comes to meeting people that help me grow, that help me survive. i think it is important to socialize from time to time, you can't make it alone in this crazy place, but of course your alone time is a priority.
WE KEEP THINKING ABOUT THE FUTURE THAT WE FORGET TO LIVE IN THE PRESENT. keep that in mind, remember to live, like my bestie says, " you should stop trying to survive and instead start trying to LIVE", surviving isn't enought, there are so many possibilities out there, trust yourself, believe in what you can be capable of, and i guess, most important of all is to believe that the cycle will break, someday, or somedays, maybe not for a long time, but still we get to experience what it is like to break out of the cycle. I want to learn more and have some set of skills so that i can work and provide money for myself, i want to travel to some place out there, outside of here, i've been stuck here for almost 21 years; it's not like i hate it, we have some beautiful landscapes and nice places, we have the SEA we have nature, but a part of me wants to try something new, go to another place, experience more stuff, outside of my comfort zone. last week i had this phase, like a "feeling okay phase" and so i talked to this guy i knew maybe two weeks ago, i told him i was feeling good since we last talked and then he called me and told him about the sky and how beautiful the sunset is, after the call he thanked me talking to him and sharing some photographs i took of the sky, he said it's really infectious, my state of feeling okay, you know when i feel so good, i expect everyone i care about to be feeling the same, which is stupid i know, but somehow my brain would be like, it just can't be, they must be happy because i am happy, you know the reason for my happiness, it has to do with first getting out of bed and trying to get my shit together and second the sun, like vitamin D, i can't insist how much vitamin D is important for me, the spring and every reminder of the possibility of a new beginning, for everyone, everyday you have it the chance to wake up and to do things, and to lead your life in whatever way you wish.
also i have been listening to this song a lot lately : LOVE IN THE TIME OF SOCIALISM-YELLOW HOUSE.

11/04/2022

it has been like this for four days now, severe head and teeth aches, i just can't make it stop. it is still going. how will we make it out of here alive? obviously we won't.

12/04/2022

it's time to try to be on good terms with the meatspace again.
as much as i love solitude and not being bothered with the world outside, i think it's the time to start living again, the past 3 years have been slow yet fast, i learned things, i knew people, mostly from the virtual space, but now i guess it's enough, i wanna live and breathe and play and learn. thinking about the future and being stuck in my room won't change anything if fact it will only worsen things, and i don't want that for myself. life is a journey, we didn't choose to be here but we should just accept the fact that we are here, nothing can change that, and that life is a mixture of alot of stuff, i won't tell you it's going to be worse and also won't tell you that it's going to be way better, in fact i won't tell you anything, because guess what, i don't know, i'm living with you in the present and tomorrow is an a journey we haven't embarked in yet. this moment is what matters and no matter what you are feeling, it's a part of life, it's part of the journey.
currently listening to time-pink floyd.
"Tired of lying in the sunshine, staying home to watch the rain
You are young and life is long, and there is time to kill today
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun"
please, do yourself a favour and be genuine, respect yourself, be authentic, to yourself. it's yourself trust me, start from there.

13/04/2022

it's almost 11pm here, listening to invisible by yung sherman. i don't have anything to talk about, i just wish i can figure it out, i'm tired honestly and im close to giving up, on everything.
today i received a book i ve been looking for 3 years ago, which is Atlas shrugged by Ayn Rand, i started reading it. was watching a video on utube and i would like to share with you this:
"one can travel the world and back, through books or on their own two feet, just to discover that the answers are not out there. But perhaps one does not need answers or certainty nor solace of this form. bad thing happen life is an impossible puzzle missing a majority of its pieces, to live it in its ordinary form is courage, to find meaning in its mundane meaninglessness is a sort of genius. to just exist for the time one has and to do ones best is wise enough. It need not be complicated than that. one should always be learning and listening and considering the ideas and words of others. But i think i know now that this wisdom is always a means and rarely an end."

15/04/2022

writing this at 3 in the morning, while listening to julee cruise-the nightingale.
i listen to music so much, one of my favourite forms of art, i love how the tunes can blend within me and how i can blend within them. I feel like my ears are gonna be blown up.
isn't weird that i don't give a shit? i don't care whether i fail or succeed, i don't care about anything all i do is listen to music and feel ethereal. maybe if i wasn't lucky to afford internet, food and a place to live in things would be different. i just don't see why i need to work, i don't care about money and i hate goint to school and have to interact with people. what is even success? you know what i wanna be? i wanna be a fucking writer. write and write and never stop writing. about the world inside and outside my being. i don't care, i don't fucking care. will i regret this? will i ever wake up? do i have to?.
I've come to the conclusion that, we don't learn anything from school, we in fact learn from the suffering that school causes. boi do i hate school -.- .

16/04/2022

the world is a dark place, and there's no fucking escape, best you can do is try to face the hardships, do your best in trying.

17/04/2022

writing this at 2 am while listening to Raindrops-Eurielle
"sure I can be better, but that's all i can ever be. A little better". just remember this, all you can ever be is to be just a little better. i knew that at some point in my life I will end up like this, looking at all your dreams falling, all the things that you ever wanted to be, everything you will ever be, is defined by what you do today. and what do i do? except for lying in bed and browsing the web? everyone is admitting that life is cruel and things will only get worse, what makes life worth living if everyone including yourself knowing that nothing will change and things are getting worse than they will ever be.
there are voices inside me, telling me not to give up, voices reminding me how beautiful i can become and to what extent i can flourish, that by helping myself i can help others and make a small change that will make someone's life a little bit unbearable. life is meant to be cruel and we are all meant to suffer, but still you can't give up, don't you get it? don't you fucking get it? it is harsh and cruel and evil, its only goal is that you be defeated. you cannot be defeated, you fall down in the depth of hell and you always manage to get out of it. keep doing that, keep rising like a beautiful phoenix that is ready to take on the world.
I AM WELL AWARE OF MY OWN IGNORANCE, I JUST AM IGNORANT ABOUT A LOT OF STUFF, I HAVE BEEN MINDLESSLY CONSUMING TIME AND TIME AGAIN. THANK YOU NEOCITIES. I AM GLAD THAT I HAD THE CHANCE TO DISCOVER THIS GREAT PLACE, MY FAVOURITE PLACE ON THE INTERNET WITH MY FAVOURITE PEOPLE IN IT

19/04/2022

Writing this at 9 pm while listening to Forsaken- Adam hurst
All I ever want is a Normal, decent life. I don't wanna be the next Grimes or the next david lynch. I just want a life that's slightly better than staying in bed, browsing the net and feeling like shit. I just wanna feel alive, wake up every morning and live all the mundane stuff that normal human beings live. be part of the world. work from 8 till 5. small talk. and when i get home from work i want to have a kind and understanding companion. i tell him/her(i would prefer a he. mostly) about all the stupid shit i encountered during the day. prepare dinner and give my cat food. also water the plants i have in my balcony (it's okay if i don't have garden, i ll work harder for it to get a house with a small garden) after that i go to my room and write. in the hope that one day i can publish my own book. then go to bed at 11 read a little and then sleep to wake up the next day and repeat all of those things again. i don't want to have social media accounts if people want to contact me they would call me on the weekends or arrange to meet somewhere nice. i wanna live life with everything it has, the good and bad. visit my mother and father two times per month if we happen to live in the same country. i don't want to buy cars, why buy cars when you can use public transportation right? if i have to then i will buy a small one. i want to save money so that i can go visit some nice place or embark in an adventure once every year. i want to spend the weekend at home learning things, and drawing. or work on that project that would make a little part of the world slightly better. most likely it won't change anything but it's okay to try and spend one's time working on something valuable. i really wish i can meet a decent person. someone with whom i can share my life, someone who cares about himself as much as others. someone who gives but never expect anything in return. someone who respects others as much as himself. someone who like cats or dogs(i prefer cats). someone with quirky hobbies. someone funny. someone who listens. someone who has flaws but won't project them on anyone. it's okay if he does sometimes. as long as he is a decent person. it's okay if he has flaws. because a decent person will always be working on his flaws. is this much? a decent life? is it too much what i'm asking for? it takes effort. but now that's a goal i will work toward. A decent Life.
in the last couple of days, I fell again. four days have passed without getting out of my room. sleeping at 7 am and waking at nearly 5 pm. all the exams i was supposed to pass. didn't prepare and go to pass them. at some point i said to myself, I give up. I'm gonna call mom and tell her about everything, pack my clothes and run away from all this bullshit. i was talking to a friend the other day, he told me that if it's in your heart then doesn't matter how many years you spend doing it, what matters is that at the very end you ll get there. i told him that i'm not sure that that whats in my heart. but now i think yes it's in my heart to finish my studies. honestly first year of university has taught me stuff i wouldn't be able to teach myself. it is indeed hard. but i'm not giving up, that's what i know for now, i can still fall again at any moment, but it's my responsibility now to push further and do what it takes to survive this year.
I'm thankful for having people that believes in me, thankful for all the chances that has been offered to me. thankful for being me.
and after all what is life without anxieties and challenges?
"How could we not be anxious? it is a natural response to an intensely disquieting, confusing, and uncertain existence that we are given an unrequested role in. And the more choices we garner access to in the modern world, we are only left with even more reason to fret and turn in anxiety over more ways we hope we can quite it,as well as more ways to feel responsible when we inevitably don't. but we must, like kierkegaard suggested, try our best to learn how to live with and through it, to keep moving forward into the unknown, and take our leaps of faith into what we truly and personally believe makes it all worth living and dying for."-the pursuit of wonder

22/04/2022

my depression is giving me brain damage. I'm well aware of it just now.

26/04/2022

I wonder how i used to carry on, what purpose did i have, i don't think i ever had one, a real one. now it's hard to move on because it's still there in my head there's nothing but despair, i also wonder how alot people can make it through the day, and how when you see someone having a hard time some people don't bother to ask them what's wrong and do something about it, some people they seem like they care if they ask you what's wrong, but the truth is they don't they just ask because that's what a phony human being would do, just ask and then move on. people are selfish, they see you drowning and won't even offer help just, they keep going with their lives as if you don't even exist you are just a loser so there is nothing we can do about it. i feel like my brain is gonna explode. i wonder why i'm not like that, why when i see someone in need of help i would put them first and help them, and sometimes when i try to help they just bail out and keep looking for them, they won't even apologize about it later. all the things that led me here it's always has to do with people, and then they ask me why don't i have friends, i just can't make one i can't blend in and pretend like i'm one of them and laugh at their stupid jokes. I feel lonely, that's just how it's gonna be fourty and maybe fifty years from now, you will only have yourself, i always relied on my family or call mom whenever i feel sad, but that doesn't help anymore, i don't wanna hear their stupid replies, i hate my aunt so much now, because the horrible things she says to me keep popping in my head, i just wanna stop this shit, there's no hope for me, or the world for that matter. all the things i ever wanna be, i'm just fucking stuck here i hate it here. i'm so alone here I BLAME THE WORLD FOR EVERYTHING, BECAUSE IT'S NOT MY DAMN FAULT. NO ONE WANTS TO BE LIKE THIS.

29/04/2022

yesterday was one of the worst days in my life, i just hate to disappoint people that give me a second, even a third chance, some people even give me forth chance but i keep wasting it, i just wonder how anyone can live like this? not taking responsibility for their lives and keep on damaging themselves every day by consuming stupid shit. yep that's me with the accumulation of self-hate every single day. the only thing is, i keep giving myself chances everyday i wake up, try to put myself together and fake it. i swear i try to. i'm afraid one day i won't be able to do it anymore. i'm afraid one day i ll give up on myself, i wanna become a good person. our uni gave us two weeks to revise for finals. that's is my only chance. I might not write anything here anymore. I ll go back to writing on paper. and working on bettering myself. I need to pass this year, i really need to pass. or at least try to. try to as if my life depends on it. for everyone that ever read all of this stuff, thank you for reading this despite my horrible writing, i literally used this as a therapeutic way to cope. i promise i will do my best. will be back here someday, maybe soon maybe never maybe after years. i don't know. take care and stay safe.
bye.