everything is all over the place, i'm going back to writing on here because it's online, and i can access it from anywhere, after i fix my laptop issue hopefully soon, i don't know how yet, but dad told me we can find some used monitors, the projector idea is not bad, but it does suck at the same time. cuz it's not a good quality projector and sitting at the desk all the time kinda sucks. i can't wait for this to be over, so that mom can be happy again, can she be happy again though? she married a man almost 15 years older than her, 5 years after their marriage she discovers he's developing alzheimer's, and spend the rest of his days since, taking care of him and now dealing with his family wanting to take him back thinking that she's taking his money and not taking care of him well enough. she's 44 years old. when will mom have a life ? i hopefully wish she eventually chooses herself, and chooses to work on herself, i wish she finds the love of her life, the man that truely deserves her, the one that doesn't treat her as a maid, but as an actual person, although she needs to feel that herself, I don't think I'll marry either, so here I am, just living, and planning to live a life, that's a bit unusual. first of all, I want to one day have a garage, where i can learn carpentry and design things, I want to learn everything about survival, I want to go camping sometimes, and cook my own food, and burn fire, write on my online authentic blog not instagram and create. Nature, has saved me, many times, nature made everything seem ethereal and supernatural. i want to have a healthy body, a muscular one. without having to attend an expensive gym, i want to naturally exercise and go on walks, and run. I want to make all the people that belived in me, proud. I want to stay the same person, with the same heart. I want to become strong and help others. I want to be worthy to fall in love with, yes, I want to feel like I'm worthy of love.
8/08/2024
today, i'm going to tell you about the french "B". I will some day at some point loose track of the guys that made me get butterflies i guess. so B is a 33 years old parisian fellow, i worked for him and his friend's restaurant. B, B, B... lately I've been feelings thing for him, and daydreaming about him, the moments, where we had eye contact, the moments where we started to truly be ourselves and look for a second to each other, B.. he never truly touched me, apart from bro fisting each other, he likes to bro fist, and eats pain au chocolat every morning, he buys to all of us pain au chocolat, he sometimes sing a made up song with my name in it, because i don't work too much there, and whenever i work and he's there, he acts silly, he most of the time says stuff in french, he speaks ambiguously, so most of the time it's hard to understand him when he's speaking in french, although i understand him much better when he speaks in english, i prefer he talks to me with his language, it's more intimate. when i wash the glasses, i sometimes sense that he's looking at me, and most of the time, i pretend i didn't see him, but lately i couldn't, i wish i can look at him for longer, the same way and tell him, same, me too, can you feel me, can you see me, can you truly look through this body and self and reach my soul. he told me he believes in me once, "make it nice, I believe in you" how sweet and silly of him to believe in me and to say it. the way he smokes cigarettes, how silly and sweet. when the napkins fell, and he hurled to catch them for me and throw them in the bin, how silly and sweet, to say " c'est toi encore" and when he compliments my filp flops " ooooh c'est joli tes 'filp flops in french' " , i imagine us sitting on his not so comfortable couch and watch some crazy ass film like the lobster and then we'd start to talk about love and relationships, and how complicated and impermenant everything is, B is the smartest and funniest chef i know, i never really thought i'd like a french chef, when i asked him for a ciggie and he didn't give me one, and told me that's not good, everyone knows it's not good, and he's not the type to give random adivce, maybe he cared, the time he laughed at me when i coughed while smoking just to sit and talk to him on the terrace saying ' hahaha tu sais meme pas comment fumer" , and the time i showed him my silly poster and said he loves it, the moment i showed him my other silly poster and said, it's cool, the moment i complimented his socks saying " i really like your socks, that's my favorite color you know" and when he said "yes i know, if i found one like it, will buy it for you", he fucking remembers. how do you not want me to fall in love? the moment he looked at me when i was leaving and i smiled at him. the moment, the moment, i 've seen him riding his bike with that doctor gurl, and when he passed right next to me and said hi goodbye with his head, the moment he gave me a ride with his new motorcycle even when i didn't ask for it, the moment when he took me right where i workout, even though it wasn't his way, and said goodbye after, the moment i was waiting for a taxi at midnight and he stopped to take me with his motorcycle. every moment, how silly and sweet, the moment ive seen him after two weeks, and accidentally kissed his neck, the moments where his face would turn red, because of god knows why. the moment we look at each other, when we werent supposed to, the moments where he encouraged me. the moment where we looked at each other when we were taking a picture together for one split of a second, we were both happy. i could love B, quite a lot, only i know that he will end up breaking my heart to pieces, like all others, he will see me, understand me, make me love him, and then leave me. i'm hard to love, i'm hard to be with, can he love me forever? can he look at me the same way every day till the end of our lives? B likes a lot of girls, his gentle with many of them. and that kind of pisses me off. i want him to hug me, and kiss me from my neck, i want him to look at me, with the look that says that i see you and understand you and i decided to love you never the less, no matter how cumn you think you are andh ow dumb can you get, i love you and i can see you, i will take my clothes off, and have a good shower, i will smell good, with coconuts or vanilla gel douche, c'est toi encore, doucement. c'est moi encore. his restaurant is my favorite place on earth, because i feel safe there, and everyone respects and love me,
no date available
i'm sitting with Slim, doing crafts for a film, he is drawing .
I wanted to write something in here last night, it was really horrible, i felt horrible, i felt lonely and worst of all, unwanted, i felt like i'll never ever be able to be anything, or personify myselft, i felt really depressed, underappreciated, i felt like i'll never ever truly be anything to anyone, the thing is ,i don't really think that from a logical perspective , that we are in need to be with anyoen or wanted by anyone, but from the other hand i feel like i'm just lying to myself because i know it is too hard to b be with anyone , when you love someone, you don't just love them, there's a whole mixture of things that are really uncomprehensible, you love the way they make you feel, you love the fact that they look at you and appreciate your presence around them, they tell you good stuff,, you look at them and you wonder how the fuck it happened, how a monster like you is eventually loved by someone, you don't think of yourself as a monster in a literal way, not that you hurt anyone, but a monster is unapproachable, and his presence around people is not appreciated, you feel just like that, your company wouldn't give anyone anything, it will merely be a waste of time, , you feel like you can"t mold yourself to fit in people's exxpectqtions, you are most of the time boring, to other people, because you daydream, you don't understand jokes as fast as most peole, there's nothing you can add to a convo, and it mostly your fault because you are expected to know stuff, people who have something to say in every topic worked really hard for it, they had put themselves in uncomfortable situations thhey became a laugh between people whom they thought are their friends. probably, some people don"t seem to be doing much effort, they seem to have been born with an innate talent that makes them as pills, simply easy to swallow. they can love someone and not be boring most of the time, i want to write a lot about how i felt today. in fact i even left the room me and my friends sleeping in to write, because i think it's important to remember how i felt tonight, the shift between how i felt last night and tonight, i really hate to start telling you about shit i experienced during the day with exact details, why, you may ask,well because i'm lazy and i want to spend my time dydreaming instead of memorizing things that happens to me, even if i know i will forget them after a while. today i got to meet, i forgot his name, but he's a scorpio, and a girl that knows a lot about zodiac signs, it's really funny how some people may appear to us from a far like normal human beings that you are not too interested in having a convo with them, but when the right time comes and you get to have a conversation with them, you discover how beautiful they are, this girl is only sixteen, imagine, she's very articulate and knows what she wants to do with her life. it was nice, all of us together, they made me feel like i can actually make good friends, not talking about besties, and actually really enjoy each other's company, people I can be myself around, i think his name is "chi", I woke up today at 6:30 put the set design in the car, and so I met "ch", he said goodmorning, i wasn't interested in looking at his face, but there was something in him, that caught my heart off guard, you know it's really special when someone asks if you want to drink from his coffee and you say ok, then he asks you to hold it for him and you say yes, and then you hold it and then he takes a sip then keeps holding it so you pay attention and ask him again if he wants to the cup to be held again and that's no problem. we exchanged some eye contact and he brought me a cup full of soda, only for zei to take it from me and he brings me again the cup. it's beautiful, smile he has, he seemed really genuine, he could see through and beyond myself without having to actually talk to me, and that what made me feel comfortable around him, he told me while we were eating that i make people " tjib touma2nina lel ensen li bahdhek" and he was discribing the thing, while me and yesmine were discussing some joke she was surprised i don't know, and trusted her enough to keep it secret between us, we laughed and then looked at him and i saw him smiling looking at us. see with these kind of people, i want no kind of relationsihp i only want to see them and appreciate them from a far, because id on't want to handle the pain of losing them.
no date
I'm very fucking depressed, i have no energy to talk to people, i get completely disinterested, brain fog, nothing to add to a convo, I can sit surrounded by...
20/09/2024
last night, I came to the conclusion that I don't like alcohol, I don't like clubbing and parties, especially when there's techno involved, the rhythem of the music is never changing almost the same, constant, devoided of form of life. I drank 5 bottles. i felt so bad, i puked, i felt the world turning around me, the worst thing about this is that you're not supposed to look off, you're supposed to look happy, you have to fake a smile, you have to pretend because everyone is supposed to be having fun. that's really the worst part, how I fucking love to be sober, I realized, how fucking good it feels to appreciate nature without any external stimulus how fucking amazing it is to fill the still earth around you. my motivation to go to this party was to meet "Chi" again, i didn't care about the fact whether he liked me or not, at least from a platonic perspective, he seemed to like me, but that's about it, we talked for a bit, he hugged me, we hugged for let's say 10 or 15 minutes, it was a lowkey long hug filled with affection, filled with" oh i'm glad i knew you man, you don't know that you stimulated things in me, he was such a genuine person with a good smile" every girl liked him, he knows how to rizz. i got to know Selima, a very humble and quite good looking girl, she does things, and wants to do things, she tried to let me feel included when conversing, the thing is everyone was gentle, everyone was asking me how i'm doing. Chiheb is moving to Bali tomorrow. it was a really nice encounter.
23/08/2024
a lot of things i'm feeling, they're overwhelming, a lof images i'm daydreaming, it weighs on my chest it makes me want to touch him, feel him, kiss him, hug him.
27/08/2024
I don't know from where to start, all i need is to just write, i need to write even if i don"t feel like it, i feel tired, i can"t get kelibia out of my mind, all the things i experienced there, on the day i arrived, i went straight to lecode de peche, was looking for sadok, they told me, he is may be in mammounia, so i went there, when he saw me he stood away from his chair and walked enthusiastically towards me, we hugged, i don't think we ever hugged before, he was with krayem and two guys , one of them i know, but never talked to , his name is abdullah, he is short and wears funny glasses, he is very articulate and charming, we ended up becoming friends that day, we talked about many things, and had fun, mostly, i was unsure where to go that day, so i called olfa, my teacher, sadok was afraid the cops might show up so i felt like i should sleep elsewhere, i confessed to abdullah that i was anxious, that im not sure i want to sleep in olfa s house, he started to come up with solutions on how i will sleep with them, but then olfa showed up so i went with her but he came to me, we took each others number, olfa, really took are of me and made sure i get home safely, she called a taxi and waited for me till i got it with her friends, i really miss abdallah, i miss abdallah so much, i will never forget, my heart hurts, the way he treated me, they way he never left me alone, the way he stroked my hair and asked me funny questions about my facial hair, i want to marry abdalllah, i want to gug each other, naked, the way we held fingers, the way he put his arm around the chair i'm sitting in, the way he, how can i forget, and move on, when i ve seen love and hugged love and had been kissed on my hands by love, love is smart and articulate, love is filled with rage, love is warm, love is ki,d, love is a young man that is shorter,